My 25th Birthday

Celebrating my 25th with friends.

So, this weekend I turned 25 years old. For a hot minute I was not really looking forward to being 25 and every time I said it I added a fake whiny cry. It wasn’t after speaking with my friend, Evelyn (the one in blue) that it hit me that 25 is a great age. Maybe it’s the outlook she gave herself on this specific age or just her excitement on the fascination of being 25 years old, but regardless, it changed my perspective on it.

Last week I joined her and a friend for Happy Hour and with all the “25″ talk I mentioned that I had read Jen’s post on being 26. It inspired me to make a list of my own. Her’s on things she looks forward to, but I want to do mine on things I want to do… 25 things to be exact.  There is no particular order, but I really can’t wait to get my list started. I haven’t had a sit down yet, but here are a few things that will for sure make my list: 1- complete a triathlon; 2- sky dive; and 3- run in just shorts and sports bra.

Now, on to the festivities of my birthday weekend. My actual birthday was Sunday but I celebrated it on Saturday. My sister gifted me the most beautiful and delicious cake. Here it is!

She brought it out exactly at midnight and it just made my night! For some reason this celebration was extra special. For the first time I felt no worries, no pressures, just lighthearted, free, and … young. I wish to feel this way every year. The people that care for me, that love me, and want the best for me where there (and then some). I had hoped to see a couple of specific faces, but in the end I didn’t want to spoil my night and decided not waste my energy on them.

I thought about what made me feel so happy and elated that day, which by the way I’m still feeling, and I believe it’s because I changed my outlook on age. I have found myself in what feels like borderline depression because I’ve yet to complete my bachelor’s degree, was still living in a rented room in what felt like still living at home, being single, losing focus on my weight-loss and fitness goals, and just dreading getting older and feeling like I’ve done nothing with my life. I know I will complete my degree program, I just have to be patient with life. I am on my own now and it feels great! I know things are not the greatest in my “love sphere” but I am managing better than I thought I would. I have regained most, if not all, my focus on my weight-loss and fitness journey because I remembered why I started. And I have to give myself more credit. I self-doubt, self-loath, and underestimate my abilities too often. I have to be proud of who I am, what I know, and what I do- after all, if I don’t, who will? And if someone tells me, I have to validate that with my own opinion of myself.

Too many people undervalue what they are, and overvalue what they’re not

Happy birthday to me! Happy 25th year to me! and Happy everything to me!

Commitment Issues

I didn’t commit to my July Challenge and sadly it didn’t surprise me. I am predictable even to myself. There is no excuse for me not to have stuck to it. Distractions or not, I should come first to myself and I’m taking the steps to do that. I can’t be available to everyone before I am available to myself. Now I have to say that out loud and mean it.

I almost feel as if I shouldn’t write what I am about to because I’ll feel guilty if I don’t do it. “It” is starting to ride my bike at least two times a week. Next year marks the 5th Anniversary of the Tour De Dreams which a really dear friend of mine is part of the organizing committee for this year and I would love to join her for the ride next August. The tour’s goal is to travel from UC Berkley to UCLA to raise funds for scholarships for undocumented students. It’s an amazing cause and raises awareness to many issues people tend to have a blind eye towards.

With that said, the application process is pretty intense. There are limited slots for riders and  being the 5th anniversary my daily mileage has to be “up there”. I was told that some of the more experienced riders are doing about 50mi a day. A DAY! I’ll start small and build up, but I believe it would be a great accomplishment and show great discipline if I do this- for the cause and for me.

Since my blogs haven’t had any pictures lately, enjoy this one of my niece sleeping:

Plank A Day July 2nd

Here I go. I found the PlankADay post and thought I’d do it for 1 month (July and a day since I’m starting on the 2nd).  I figure that I will do it when I remember but will always have a reminder on my phone in case I haven’t done it.

Plank A Day- day one: 01:00

^ I did it in my office

 

In addition I will not be drinking any carbonated drinks or juice cocktails or anything sweet and sugar filled. The only juices I will drink will be those I make myself- orange juice is awesome (a new found love for it). Some of my favorite fresh fruit juices are watermelon, cantaloupe, strawberry, lemon, and lemon and pineapple. Now, to make them myself is another story- I have to get to peeling and squeezing.

The reason  is because I have totally neglected my water intake; I am feeling it. I stopped drinking soda for a little over a year and it was a great feeling. Then one day I said, I’ll just have a sip and another day I said I’ll have a cup… and there I was drinking and drinking soda. I didn’t feel guilty for it or questioned drinking it, but I noticed how I started preferring it. My body feels the difference and it’s dehydrated. To treat my self and my body I will pay more attention to it.

And before I forget, I have had the 100 push ups app on my phone for quite a while and reading Anna’s blog posts reminded me I should use it, so I’m doing that too. Just thinking about it i feel a little pain- the good kind.

100 Push Ups- day one:

 

Something New

I am about to embark on a new experience and it’s scaring the wits out of me. Today I am to pick up the keys to my first apartment in which I will be living in alone. One of my greatest fears in life is ending up alone, with no one to talk to, no one to fall asleep with, and just miserable. When I have too much time in my hands and these thoughts cloud my mind I retract and want to disappear. I realize then, as I am now, that this is where I fall off my tracks and wean on some weight. This weight gain leads to feelings of futility and self-loathing that I become a weight-loss martyr. My thoughts become so negative that I refute anyone who tries to tell me different and the only thing that seems to bring me back to my senses is reading about fitness, weight-loss, people’s before and after stories, other weight-loss/health journys, and some who have stood to defy the societal pressures of thinness and be happy about being fat.

I’ve envisaged my lack of crediting myself on how far I’ve come, but the fact that I want more and know that my body can do more prohibits me from accepting my hard work thus far. So, when I read blogs, articles, or watch videos on the subjects I mentioned above I get reinvigorated. I begin to believe in myself again and set myself a new goal. I mentally plan out a routine and include activities in which I believe will make me more of an athlete rather than just a workout bot. I envision myself doing laps in the gym pool, or riding miles and miles on my bike, or getting back on the running train, or having a strict boxing regimen. I see myself following workout routines but only as preparation for the run, the swim, the cycling- but something holds me. I don’t know what it is. I set a date: “I’ll start this coming Monday.” But then I ask myself why Monday? Why not today? I DON’T KNOW WHY NOT TODAY!!! And just like that I’m back at square one. I lose motivation, I lack willingness and I end up feeling like a loser.

If you are a friend that reads my blog you have entered a dark side of my being. Sometimes I have questioned my judgement in sharing this blog with you because the purpose of it was to be positive and share the good and the joy of my journey. However, in previous posts I’ve already shared my honesty in how doubtful I am of myself and how self-conscious I am about my body, so maybe this one comes as no surprise. In thinking about it, it’s not a bad thing. I guess it’s good to show how human I am, how some part of me is like everyone else- I struggle. I am not perfect. I mean c’mon, just last week I wrote about coming back with a bang. In retrospect, I think I needed to get a lot of frustration out that I was internalizing and a lot of stress about my move and financial difficulties and that’s why I did so great.

Today I have a meeting with my trainer. I don’t know how it’s gonna go. I don’t want to be whinny and I have to keep telling myself that I can do this. I can start my new attitude on any day of the week- Tuesday it is.

Self-Doubt

I meet with my personal trainer three times a week. He’s really a great guy and I enjoy working out to his routines and his pace (sometimes). During one of workouts last week I realized something about myself- I complain. I complain during my workouts and I thought about how annoying I might be. I kept these sentiments to myself and let them go. I met with him again yesterday evening and there I was, complaining, no, whining. I don’t know what I want to call it- I don’t think it was bitching because I was doing what he wanted me to.

Here’s an example: When we kick-box he has these arm pads that I kick. He tells me to do the pyramid. What that is is I kick once, get back to stance, kick twice, back to stance, kick three times, back to stance, kick twice, back to stance, and kick one last time. With a millisecond in between I switch legs and do the same thing. Easy enough? It should be. Well, here’s me: I’m about to the three kicks on one leg and I stop and say hold on- I need to catch my breath. He pushes me to keep going and I do. My last kick is always lame and we both know it. I put my hands on my waist and grunt and he’s telling me to keep going on my other leg. I do, but I keep making a fuss. He gives me about 45 seconds to one minute rest and we’re at it again; I’m at it again. Throughout different exercises I gripe, claiming I’m out of breath, which sometimes I’m not. I’m sure it’s frustrating, I know it’s frustrating.

Reflecting on my actions I want to know why I act this way. Is there something deeper to my whining? Am I really just afraid of something? I don’t know but here’s what I’m thinking. All my life, even now that I am 60lbs lighter and looking better than ever, I’ve been brooding over my body image and not giving myself enough credit for anything I do. Sometimes I look at my naked body in the mirror and I see the change but I don’t feel how I probably should. Maybe I can’t be 100% in something if I’m not feeling 100% myself. Can that be it? What if it’s attention I’m seeking? Is that selfish?All I know is that I need to shut up and keep up. I have another meeting tonight and it’s kick-boxing. GREAT! To my defense I do finish the workouts and I end strong on the last exercise so – what is it?

This needs to be my mantra!

photo credit: http://www.pluginid.com/motivational-workout-quotes/

Did I Really Just Try This On?

This past Saturday I went to The Grove in L.A. to line up at the Barnes & Noble to get screening passes to the much anticipated movie The Hunger Games. I went with a friend and we both waited about five hours. After being some of the first people to get the awesome freebees (not so much since we bought the NookTablet) we went window shopping. Since she was with her daughters they took a stroll through PacSun and I followed. What happens next is unprecedented.

I’m looking through the bathing suit section and I see a really cute one. I turn it around and it has no back! it stops at the butt crack, continues to only cover the part where the braw strap hooks. For a better visual here it is:

  

heres the link for a bigger picture: http://shop.pacsun.com/Womens/suits/Kirra-One-Piece-Cutout-Swimsuit/index.pro

I tried it on to say the least and it didn’t feel that awful. I say awful because I’ve always felt super conscious about my body in a bathing suit- so can you imagine in this no-back-ass-out piece? anyway, my friend told me I looked fine and that I shouldn’t worry about the backless part. Prior to that however she wanted me to try on a 2-piece! WHAT?? NEVER! Because I didn’t want her to feel bad and mostly because I’m curious about how I would look in a 2-piece I tried one on. Here it is:

 

in case you’re interested, here is the link: http://shop.pacsun.com/Womens/suits/refine/Brand/Billabong/index.cat

of course my thighs are not that spaced and my upper body isn’t flawless. Needless to say I felt naked. The girls/women that wear 2-piece bathing suit/bikinis are fearless. Although i liked it… I didn’t feel my most confident in it, but my friend recommended wearing those mesh/netty things over and I should be good. I’ll think about it. I have a couple more months before I take off to Miami and I’m dreading the beach scene for this reason.

What happened to me?

I met with my trainer last earlier this week and I had an episode of weakness. I have no clue what brought it on; maybe it was the perfectionist in me or the person inside of me that never wants to fail or look weak. Regardless of the reason I’m glad it happened.

Here is what happened. When I arrived he let me know that we weren’t boxing but doing something different. Ok, no problem. Toward the end I was feeling exhausted and getting frustrated for not keeping up. He obviously noticed and asked what was wrong. With a knot in my throat I told him that I can be and do better than I am now.

I hope I’m not putting too much pressure on myself. He assured me I was one of his few clients that he can really count on doing great throughout his workouts and that he wishes more of his people were as tough as me. Those words made me happy. And as I wiped the tears with my shirt sleeve I told him he better not be lying to me.

Does everyone go through a moment of total vulnerability sometimes?

My Breasts

Losing weight has opened new doors for me. Although I am happy about that, there is still a part of me that feels insecure. I fear that I will never be completely happy in my own skin. I don’t know exactly why but when I think about it I believe this insecurity stems from being unhappy about different parts of my body. I remember one time being with my one of my sisters in our early teens talking about our boobs. She was pointing out how she wore a bigger bra size than me or needed a bigger bra and I was arguing with her that it wasn’t true- that mine were bigger. Needless to say, I’ve always felt uncomfortable being smaller-breasted than my sisters. It’s fairly obvious and sometimes family doesn’t fail to remind me of it, but being who I am I play it off and pretend being okay with it. I’m truly not OK with it that for a long time I contemplated getting some fake ones; I even told my sisters about it. I don’t believe I will since I’m paranoid about needles and any pain associated with voluntary decisions. My friends tell me that I am fine the way I look and that I shouldn’t let that bother me, but it does. I try clothes on and I swear I would look better if I can fill the top part. It’s frustrating not being happy with what I see in the mirror. I think that maybe if I am thinner my small breasts won’t be as prominent and will go better with my smaller body. Here is to hoping.