Self-Doubt

I meet with my personal trainer three times a week. He’s really a great guy and I enjoy working out to his routines and his pace (sometimes). During one of workouts last week I realized something about myself- I complain. I complain during my workouts and I thought about how annoying I might be. I kept these sentiments to myself and let them go. I met with him again yesterday evening and there I was, complaining, no, whining. I don’t know what I want to call it- I don’t think it was bitching because I was doing what he wanted me to.

Here’s an example: When we kick-box he has these arm pads that I kick. He tells me to do the pyramid. What that is is I kick once, get back to stance, kick twice, back to stance, kick three times, back to stance, kick twice, back to stance, and kick one last time. With a millisecond in between I switch legs and do the same thing. Easy enough? It should be. Well, here’s me: I’m about to the three kicks on one leg and I stop and say hold on- I need to catch my breath. He pushes me to keep going and I do. My last kick is always lame and we both know it. I put my hands on my waist and grunt and he’s telling me to keep going on my other leg. I do, but I keep making a fuss. He gives me about 45 seconds to one minute rest and we’re at it again; I’m at it again. Throughout different exercises I gripe, claiming I’m out of breath, which sometimes I’m not. I’m sure it’s frustrating, I know it’s frustrating.

Reflecting on my actions I want to know why I act this way. Is there something deeper to my whining? Am I really just afraid of something? I don’t know but here’s what I’m thinking. All my life, even now that I am 60lbs lighter and looking better than ever, I’ve been brooding over my body image and not giving myself enough credit for anything I do. Sometimes I look at my naked body in the mirror and I see the change but I don’t feel how I probably should. Maybe I can’t be 100% in something if I’m not feeling 100% myself. Can that be it? What if it’s attention I’m seeking? Is that selfish?All I know is that I need to shut up and keep up. I have another meeting tonight and it’s kick-boxing. GREAT! To my defense I do finish the workouts and I end strong on the last exercise so – what is it?

This needs to be my mantra!

This needs to be my mantra!

photo credit: http://www.pluginid.com/motivational-workout-quotes/

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UPDATE on the Master Cleanse

I lasted 4 days on the cleanse. I had two reasons to end it; 1: I had registered for a 5k and not eating for 4 days would have been catastrophic- ok maybe not catastrophic but I didn’t want to risk passing out. 2; I lasted more than I thought I would and said I’ll try it some other time.

The good news was that I did lose 5lbs. I didn’t feel as hungry as I thought I would and realized how many times I snacked out of boredom. The lemonade was tasty; I love spicy and the cayenne made it pop. The worst part was definitely the salt water! I gagged every morning trying to chug it down- worst taste EVER. As for the tea before bed- I loved Yogi’s Get Regular. I drink used to drink Tadin’s Dieter’s Tea on days when I ate too much or had red meat, but now I have a new tea. YUMMO! I didn’t think the bathroom breaks were a big deal as some people described them. I did experience some never before seen/felt/smelled incidents but nothing that was too much or that scared me or made me feel unsafe about continuing.

When I thought about stopping I was afraid I’d feel defeated and guilty like the last time. I’m happy to say that I didn’t because I felt a change throughout the days I did do it. I sincerely congratulate those people that did complete it and encourage and support those who will try it.

Master Cleanse/Lemon Diet

For years I have been wanting to do a cleanse. My older sister and I even contemplated scheduling a colon cleanse (eek!). We didn’t do it- either because of money or I just stopped inquiring cause I was too much of a chicken. I have attempted a cleanse twice in my life. The first one was when I bought Beach Body’s Hip-Hop Abs; it comes with a powder substance and you’re supposed to be on it for 3 days. I only lasted one and a half days on it -.- The second one was the same one but many years later and I failed at it once again.

I have come with determination on this one because I feel icky inside and I want to change that feeling. I’ve read up on many cleanses- water, lemon juice, vegetable, fruit, anything under the sun basically. It was hard to find a reliable source but I came across Zoe’s blog and she really inspired me. I searched everywhere (Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s) for the raw coconut nectar but didn’t find it; the only thing that came close was one with sweetner. I went with her original recipe with the organic maple syrup grade b. I also couldn’t find the grey sea salt so i just opted for a non-iodide crystal sea salt.

I am on day 1. I drank my tea last night and it’s about 8:30a and I haven’t been able to finish the salt water flush; it’s just SO SALTY! I took some pictures and took my weight just so that I can track the changes on paper. I will follow up in 10 days and let you know how it all turned out. I’m so nervous! Send good juju my way please so that I can complete it. The benefits are supposed to be great and to me, they are just a bonus because my ultimate goal is to clean out my insides.

 

BTW: aren’t the lemon pictures refreshing!?

I take no credit for the images.