I’m Fat Again

I was able to maintain an average weight of 185lbs for a few years. I joined a weight-loss challenge and I was able to finally reach the 170lb range. I was the happiest person in the world. But, I’m fat again. I can feel it in my skin, the way I look, the way I feel, the way I look at the people around me.

These last 9 months have really shaped me to who I am today… a round ugly shape. I am by way of always being a self-sabotaging person. I don’t go around moping or being this sad pathetic individual… but I do that at home and internally as I stare at the body I have created. The worst is when I see pictures of myself from when I was looking all fly n’ shit. Like damn, I loved myself for real. And that’s what gets me – I should be loving myself always. I do and then I don’t. I fucken hate myself sometimes. I’ll be back… I’m going to do a split before and now.

Wow.. this is taking longer than I thought. After a certain time I don’t have that many selfies…

So I was never SKINNY but I felt good. I can buy close from any store, I felt confident in my skin and the way I carried myself. Maybe this stems from some fucked up psychological thing. Like, who hurt me? What made me so afraid of being fat. And I mean, when I was going through the process of losing weight I was doing it healthily- I was going to the gym, doing HITT workouts, I was eating right, I was outside running and playing sports and being all around active. I don’t know what made me so complacent that I chose other rather than myself. I’m not stupid.

I’m even getting upset looking for a picture to post here of how I looked and of how I look now. It makes me sad, because now I have to work twice as hard to just to get where I used to be.

I’m 216lbs even as of this morning and I am 5’7” … here’s to another journey.

-M

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