12 Days 6lbs

To kick start this new journey I decided to really give intermittent fasting a good go. I had done light online research a while ago and had dabbled in some fasting in the past. This time I’m being more mindful and conscientious about the approach. I’m increasing my water intake which helps with the fasting.

My experience so far these past 2 weeks…

With the amount of water I’m taking in I can already see a little more improvement in my energy. I guess having to get up and pee really gets the flood flowing. A bit of background… I drink coffees and tea but I wasn’t drinking pure water and now that I am I’m not doing a lot of tea or coffee drinking lately. I love coffee tho and you know that there is #neverabadtimeforcoffee. I still get my coffee fix but H2O is my good friend now. It may be too soon to even say it but I’ve seen a clearer tone on my face and in my hands. My daily goal right now is 108oz per day. I average out about 90oz. 

I’ve done 24hr fasting and 18hr fasting days. I am also keeping it low carb to get my ketones going and my metabolism smooooth sailing. I’m not ruling out anything specific although I’m really trying to keep off the breazy; me love me bread! I have kept my sugar intake really low- shockingly I’ve been able to say no to sweets and have been able to walk away from the office donuts my​ boss brings in every now and then. 

I’m feeling really proud of myself. Firstly because the last time I got going I quit fairly easily without a fight. Secondly for the confidence and dedication I feel this time. Nothing feels like a burden or a struggle or even a sacrifice. I feel like I did all those years ago when I’ve had enough of my own bullshit. I have that feeling we get that gives us even more strength and drive to be where we know we can be.

Cheers to accountability. Cheers to good feelings. Cheers to a healthy body goal.

Enjoy this view of Diamond Lake from last year’s summer 😍

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I’m Fat Again

I was able to maintain an average weight of 185lbs for a few years. I joined a weight-loss challenge and I was able to finally reach the 170lb range. I was the happiest person in the world. But, I’m fat again. I can feel it in my skin, the way I look, the way I feel, the way I look at the people around me.

These last 9 months have really shaped me to who I am today… a round ugly shape. I am by way of always being a self-sabotaging person. I don’t go around moping or being this sad pathetic individual… but I do that at home and internally as I stare at the body I have created. The worst is when I see pictures of myself from when I was looking all fly n’ shit. Like damn, I loved myself for real. And that’s what gets me – I should be loving myself always. I do and then I don’t. I fucken hate myself sometimes. I’ll be back… I’m going to do a split before and now.

Wow.. this is taking longer than I thought. After a certain time I don’t have that many selfies…

So I was never SKINNY but I felt good. I can buy close from any store, I felt confident in my skin and the way I carried myself. Maybe this stems from some fucked up psychological thing. Like, who hurt me? What made me so afraid of being fat. And I mean, when I was going through the process of losing weight I was doing it healthily- I was going to the gym, doing HITT workouts, I was eating right, I was outside running and playing sports and being all around active. I don’t know what made me so complacent that I chose other rather than myself. I’m not stupid.

I’m even getting upset looking for a picture to post here of how I looked and of how I look now. It makes me sad, because now I have to work twice as hard to just to get where I used to be.

I’m 216lbs even as of this morning and I am 5’7” … here’s to another journey.

-M

Ramble On, Monica. Ramble. On.

It would be easy to look over my posts to see when the last one was published, but I’m already writing this one and I don’t want to navigate through to get back to the draft. Main reason for stating the latter: I wanted to start this post with “I can’t remember when I last wrote, but it’s time I get back to it.”

That said, I believe this is my second entry on post hiatus. I lack discipline and it’s something I don’t admit often. I have recently looked deeper into who I am and I see a lot of denial. I see a lot of procrastination, a lot of selfishness, and a lot of want but no action. It makes me sad, it makes me want to not be who I am. I feel as if there are too many versions of myself and I need to choose one. I other people around me who know who they are, that do them with great ease and I envy that. I wish I knew exactly who I want to be.

There is a dichotomy of Monica in my everyday living. It’s a bit exhausting. Just the other day I was telling a really close friend of mine how much I dread being home sometimes because of the constant reminder “to do things” around my apartment. There’s a feeling of i just don’t want to do it because I don’t have the energy. I sit there and I stare at the pile of folded clothes that has been there for almost three weeks and tell myself, literally tell myself out loud, that all I have to do is put it away- take out some hangers and put it away. I tell myself that all I have to do is pick up my shoes and put them in the closet as I stare at the two pairs under my dining table. But I don’t want to do it, I can’t see myself doing it. So what do I do? I just watch TV. This borderline depressed person is just that… one person of me.

It’s not that I want to be the depressed person, but I feel that I can’t wallow in this person because I have other “me”‘s to attend to. I have the gym rat me, I have the sister, daughter, aunt, friend, lover, full-time employee me‘s that I must tend to. Am I having a hard time because I’m using the word must? I don’t know… and I feel that if I’m going to do me, the me I’m fighting off I will ostracize myself and I don’t know if I want that- no. I know I don’t want that.

So how do I deal? I once went to see a psychologist and she recommended medication. Needless to say I never went back. There are a lot of things  I must come to terms with myself and accept fully. What are those things? I’m not sure. I’m still afraid to even put that thought into a coherent concept/truth and even more afraid to say it out loud. Sometimes I want to go away somewhere and start all over. But start what all over? The different versions of me? No. I’m just not sure of anything. I need clarity. I want to disconnect. Disconnect to re-discover  or just discover myself for the first time. But I’m afraid to disconnect. Maybe my thing is that I have too many fears, or worry too much?

Does anyone else have this type of struggle with themselves?

I Completed My First Tri … at the Gym

About 7 months ago I froze my gym trainer membership since I couldn’t keep it up if I was going to make my shift to independence successful. I wanted to freeze it again, but found out i couldn’t! I’m going to have to tough it out, I guess.

Saturday I met with him and discussed where I am fitness wise and what I have been up to. I have been more or less keeping up with working out but it’s only managed to help me maintain my current weight and level of fitness. I am looking forward to doing my first race this year- the Hollywood Half Marathon. This is my second time doing this race and I’m super excited because I’m considered a Legacy. Here is my experience from my first time. I also registered for the Santa Monica Classic (10K).

After going over all of that with Vince (trainer’s name) he challenged me to a triathlon. 1000km on the row machine, 7mi on the bike, and 2mi of running- all for time. I would have fared a better time if he wold have told me that I had to complete it in 45 min or less before I started. As I was reaching to complete my 7 mi on the bike is when he told me and I thought: that means I have to finish my 2 mi with a 6 mph pace. Well, i peddled faster and got on the treadmill quickly. My fastest mile I have ever done was at around 8 and a half minutes but yesterday I did it at 7:54.

My total time was 43m 40sec.

His time was 37min.

Great challenge! Next time I do it I think I’ll have a better time since I’ll be aware that I have a time cap 🙂

My 25th Birthday

Celebrating my 25th with friends.

So, this weekend I turned 25 years old. For a hot minute I was not really looking forward to being 25 and every time I said it I added a fake whiny cry. It wasn’t after speaking with my friend, Evelyn (the one in blue) that it hit me that 25 is a great age. Maybe it’s the outlook she gave herself on this specific age or just her excitement on the fascination of being 25 years old, but regardless, it changed my perspective on it.

Last week I joined her and a friend for Happy Hour and with all the “25” talk I mentioned that I had read Jen’s post on being 26. It inspired me to make a list of my own. Her’s on things she looks forward to, but I want to do mine on things I want to do… 25 things to be exact.  There is no particular order, but I really can’t wait to get my list started. I haven’t had a sit down yet, but here are a few things that will for sure make my list: 1- complete a triathlon; 2- sky dive; and 3- run in just shorts and sports bra.

Now, on to the festivities of my birthday weekend. My actual birthday was Sunday but I celebrated it on Saturday. My sister gifted me the most beautiful and delicious cake. Here it is!

She brought it out exactly at midnight and it just made my night! For some reason this celebration was extra special. For the first time I felt no worries, no pressures, just lighthearted, free, and … young. I wish to feel this way every year. The people that care for me, that love me, and want the best for me where there (and then some). I had hoped to see a couple of specific faces, but in the end I didn’t want to spoil my night and decided not waste my energy on them.

I thought about what made me feel so happy and elated that day, which by the way I’m still feeling, and I believe it’s because I changed my outlook on age. I have found myself in what feels like borderline depression because I’ve yet to complete my bachelor’s degree, was still living in a rented room in what felt like still living at home, being single, losing focus on my weight-loss and fitness goals, and just dreading getting older and feeling like I’ve done nothing with my life. I know I will complete my degree program, I just have to be patient with life. I am on my own now and it feels great! I know things are not the greatest in my “love sphere” but I am managing better than I thought I would. I have regained most, if not all, my focus on my weight-loss and fitness journey because I remembered why I started. And I have to give myself more credit. I self-doubt, self-loath, and underestimate my abilities too often. I have to be proud of who I am, what I know, and what I do- after all, if I don’t, who will? And if someone tells me, I have to validate that with my own opinion of myself.

Too many people undervalue what they are, and overvalue what they’re not

Happy birthday to me! Happy 25th year to me! and Happy everything to me!

Doing Things My Way and At My Own Pace

I was talking to my coworkers about some of my latest blog posts and about how I feel I’ve lost a bit of my focus. OK, not a little, but a little more than a little. I mentioned to them how I didn’t even start my 100 Push Ups challenge, didn’t keep up with my plank a day, and didn’t stick entirely to the no soda or sweetened drinks plan. In this post I talk about how I shouldn’t wait for the start of the week, or the start of the month to start something new. But i didn’t take my own advice because I told them that coming Monday I will definitely start anew and truly commit. In fun, but also in all seriousness, my coworker told me that I should read my own blog. That verbal shove, or whatever you want to call it, was what I needed- it’s what I need every now and then.

I pulled out my phone, opened up my 100 Push Ups app and had them spot me do my initial push up test. I completed 11 good form push ups. I personally think that’s bad ass! With those results I was placed in level 3.

with my work badge and everything!

Here’s what I’ve done in two days. Week 1 almost complete!

I am also happy to announce that I cycled yesterday and it was such a liberating ride. It gave me time to think, even though I was focused on keeping a some-what steady pace. I thought about the awesome way I feel after I complete a workout. There really is nothing like it. I woke up in the morning and felt sluggish, but remembering that I have to follow my own advice, I got ready and grabbed my bike. I headed out and immediately felt a surge of happiness and contentedness. This reminded me of all the times I didn’t want to go to the gym, the times I wanted to cancel on my trainer, the times I didn’t want to go running, and in general just all the times I didn’t want to do something and then did. Willing my mind to do something it didn’t for whatever reason- fear of failure, laziness, or simply just not caring- is truly a rush.

Here are my stats through my endomondo app. 9.47 miles in 43m:48s

Avg Speed
13.0 mph
Max Speed
16.6 mph
Calories
616 kcal
Altitude
636 ft / 729 ft

 

Oh, and I didn’t want to make dinner last night, but I did.

It looks kinda gross, but it was really tasty.

I’m wishing the best of luck to myself in all I do.

xx

Monica

Commitment Issues

I didn’t commit to my July Challenge and sadly it didn’t surprise me. I am predictable even to myself. There is no excuse for me not to have stuck to it. Distractions or not, I should come first to myself and I’m taking the steps to do that. I can’t be available to everyone before I am available to myself. Now I have to say that out loud and mean it.

I almost feel as if I shouldn’t write what I am about to because I’ll feel guilty if I don’t do it. “It” is starting to ride my bike at least two times a week. Next year marks the 5th Anniversary of the Tour De Dreams which a really dear friend of mine is part of the organizing committee for this year and I would love to join her for the ride next August. The tour’s goal is to travel from UC Berkley to UCLA to raise funds for scholarships for undocumented students. It’s an amazing cause and raises awareness to many issues people tend to have a blind eye towards.

With that said, the application process is pretty intense. There are limited slots for riders and  being the 5th anniversary my daily mileage has to be “up there”. I was told that some of the more experienced riders are doing about 50mi a day. A DAY! I’ll start small and build up, but I believe it would be a great accomplishment and show great discipline if I do this- for the cause and for me.

Since my blogs haven’t had any pictures lately, enjoy this one of my niece sleeping: