I’m Fat Again

I was able to maintain an average weight of 185lbs for a few years. I joined a weight-loss challenge and I was able to finally reach the 170lb range. I was the happiest person in the world. But, I’m fat again. I can feel it in my skin, the way I look, the way I feel, the way I look at the people around me.

These last 9 months have really shaped me to who I am today… a round ugly shape. I am by way of always being a self-sabotaging person. I don’t go around moping or being this sad pathetic individual… but I do that at home and internally as I stare at the body I have created. The worst is when I see pictures of myself from when I was looking all fly n’ shit. Like damn, I loved myself for real. And that’s what gets me – I should be loving myself always. I do and then I don’t. I fucken hate myself sometimes. I’ll be back… I’m going to do a split before and now.

Wow.. this is taking longer than I thought. After a certain time I don’t have that many selfies…

So I was never SKINNY but I felt good. I can buy close from any store, I felt confident in my skin and the way I carried myself. Maybe this stems from some fucked up psychological thing. Like, who hurt me? What made me so afraid of being fat. And I mean, when I was going through the process of losing weight I was doing it healthily- I was going to the gym, doing HITT workouts, I was eating right, I was outside running and playing sports and being all around active. I don’t know what made me so complacent that I chose other rather than myself. I’m not stupid.

I’m even getting upset looking for a picture to post here of how I looked and of how I look now. It makes me sad, because now I have to work twice as hard to just to get where I used to be.

I’m 216lbs even as of this morning and I am 5’7” … here’s to another journey.

-M

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The Way of The Superior Man (partial book review/opinion piece)

I’m not done with the book but it has impacted me enough to want to write about it. I’m about half way through and I’ve had to pause so many times in between the chapters so soak it all in. You see it’s directed at people who are trying to master the challenges in different aspects of their lives and it’s hitting home for me. 

The way Deida has depicted the feminine in women, as well as in men, makes complete sense. His explanation of the masculine and feminine polarity in intimacy fits into my vision of how men and women should work in a relationship. Every person has a feminine and a masculine side and there should be a balance. Maybe the woman has the dominant masculine side and the man the feminine side as predominant. That is not a bad thing as long as those elements are defined and both parties are aware. When this is not the case trust in one another is lost and that’s when the couple begins a downward spiral. These roles are not finite, they are always changing, like cycles. But there is always a balance between the man and woman and their masculine and feminine aspects.

I understand that many couples reach this realization after many years and some perhaps never will. Reading Deida will make you reach it sooner. Deida says that if you’ve tried your best at trying to make it work with a person and things are just not jiving then you should let go. That, however, is my greatest fear. Letting go feels like I’ve given up, but i know deep down inside my heart that this feeling is wrong. I’m currently in the process of transferring to another state within my organization and I’m glad to say that this is a move toward mastering my work challenges. I haven’t been satisfied with my job for a long time and I’ve finally decided to change that. However hard it is for me to move away from my family and the people that I so dearly love i know that it’s the right thing for me; there are no more excuses.

Deida speaks of finding what you like to do, what you LOVE to do, and to work on it for at least an hour a day. And if while you’re working at it you come to find out it’s not what you thought, you’ve at least penetrated a layer into reaching the core of who you are- which is the ultimate goal in knowing what your gift to the world is. He also explains how man should live at the edge of his fear (something I feel I’m doing with this career move) and that we should all learn to accept that things will never be “done”. This gift that he speaks of is love. Once you have found your core- who you really are- is when you can give love freely and without fear. Reading about fear, letting go, finding your gifts, giving yourself, etc. etc. forces me to reflect on the person I am and who I am with. 

My future holds him, sees him, is him. But since I can’t predict the future he might as well not be. The love I’m in is difficult for many reasons and reading Deida shed a light on the reasons of why things might be as they are. I don’t want to analyze him or assume and speak for someone because it’s not fair to him or to me, but I can make my own judgement and work to better myself in the life that is mine. I would love to be one with him because I feel in my deepest depths that we can, but if that’s not the case then he’s another layer peeled from my being in efforts to reach my core. If my honesty and my giving of my gift without fear is not being accepted fully then moving on is not necessarily a wrong/bad decision.

Writing this pains me. My heart hurts and my eyes are filling with tears of sadness. The masculine in me is being rational and making decisions. The feminine in me, the ocean that is my woman, is tormenting. My feminine energy is overflowing with emotions of pride, of guilt, of fear of the unknown, and of excitement for what’s ahead. I guess Deida is putting into words my feelings and has allowed me to define them in real terms. What I am afraid to speak or say he is writing with clarity and without fear. 

to be continued…

Ramble On, Monica. Ramble. On.

It would be easy to look over my posts to see when the last one was published, but I’m already writing this one and I don’t want to navigate through to get back to the draft. Main reason for stating the latter: I wanted to start this post with “I can’t remember when I last wrote, but it’s time I get back to it.”

That said, I believe this is my second entry on post hiatus. I lack discipline and it’s something I don’t admit often. I have recently looked deeper into who I am and I see a lot of denial. I see a lot of procrastination, a lot of selfishness, and a lot of want but no action. It makes me sad, it makes me want to not be who I am. I feel as if there are too many versions of myself and I need to choose one. I other people around me who know who they are, that do them with great ease and I envy that. I wish I knew exactly who I want to be.

There is a dichotomy of Monica in my everyday living. It’s a bit exhausting. Just the other day I was telling a really close friend of mine how much I dread being home sometimes because of the constant reminder “to do things” around my apartment. There’s a feeling of i just don’t want to do it because I don’t have the energy. I sit there and I stare at the pile of folded clothes that has been there for almost three weeks and tell myself, literally tell myself out loud, that all I have to do is put it away- take out some hangers and put it away. I tell myself that all I have to do is pick up my shoes and put them in the closet as I stare at the two pairs under my dining table. But I don’t want to do it, I can’t see myself doing it. So what do I do? I just watch TV. This borderline depressed person is just that… one person of me.

It’s not that I want to be the depressed person, but I feel that I can’t wallow in this person because I have other “me”‘s to attend to. I have the gym rat me, I have the sister, daughter, aunt, friend, lover, full-time employee me‘s that I must tend to. Am I having a hard time because I’m using the word must? I don’t know… and I feel that if I’m going to do me, the me I’m fighting off I will ostracize myself and I don’t know if I want that- no. I know I don’t want that.

So how do I deal? I once went to see a psychologist and she recommended medication. Needless to say I never went back. There are a lot of things  I must come to terms with myself and accept fully. What are those things? I’m not sure. I’m still afraid to even put that thought into a coherent concept/truth and even more afraid to say it out loud. Sometimes I want to go away somewhere and start all over. But start what all over? The different versions of me? No. I’m just not sure of anything. I need clarity. I want to disconnect. Disconnect to re-discover  or just discover myself for the first time. But I’m afraid to disconnect. Maybe my thing is that I have too many fears, or worry too much?

Does anyone else have this type of struggle with themselves?

Feeling Good, Refreshed, and on Track

Today I had a great workout with my trainer. He messaged me asking me if I was available to meet this evening since his previous client had cancelled. I agreed and I couldn’t be more happy that I did.

I arrived about an hour early and set myself up on the stair climber and timed it for 30min on random level 7. I know Vince and I know me and I didn’t want to work myself too hard so I really took it easy- enough to feel some burn and work up a good sweat.

The workout today was all squat techniques and some pull-ups (my nemesis). I wish I had greater upper body strength, but I know that if i keep up with my kettle bell, core, and back workouts I’ll gain it soon enough.

Here are my stats on my max reps

squat – 135lbs

pull-ups – 10 on the purple and green bands

front squat – 105 lbs

dead-lift – 135lbs

I’m not too concerned with how “great” that was in comparison to others. All I care about is how good I felt. I grunted, I laughed, I learned, and I enjoyed the workout. Image

I Completed My First Tri … at the Gym

About 7 months ago I froze my gym trainer membership since I couldn’t keep it up if I was going to make my shift to independence successful. I wanted to freeze it again, but found out i couldn’t! I’m going to have to tough it out, I guess.

Saturday I met with him and discussed where I am fitness wise and what I have been up to. I have been more or less keeping up with working out but it’s only managed to help me maintain my current weight and level of fitness. I am looking forward to doing my first race this year- the Hollywood Half Marathon. This is my second time doing this race and I’m super excited because I’m considered a Legacy. Here is my experience from my first time. I also registered for the Santa Monica Classic (10K).

After going over all of that with Vince (trainer’s name) he challenged me to a triathlon. 1000km on the row machine, 7mi on the bike, and 2mi of running- all for time. I would have fared a better time if he wold have told me that I had to complete it in 45 min or less before I started. As I was reaching to complete my 7 mi on the bike is when he told me and I thought: that means I have to finish my 2 mi with a 6 mph pace. Well, i peddled faster and got on the treadmill quickly. My fastest mile I have ever done was at around 8 and a half minutes but yesterday I did it at 7:54.

My total time was 43m 40sec.

His time was 37min.

Great challenge! Next time I do it I think I’ll have a better time since I’ll be aware that I have a time cap 🙂

What is it About the Weekends

Can someone explain to me why the weekends are always a set back for me? I realize that the best person to answer that question is me because I’m sure others will undermine my hardest efforts and say that I am either weak, not ready, or just not committed.

I have been shown the door. Now I must walk through it.

I have all the tools I need but I only seem to be taking advantage of them during the week. The weekend rolls along, however, and it’s like I am a different person. Sometimes I experience little hiccups during some weeks and I get so angry with myself. It’s anger, frustration, feeling defeated, hypocritical, and worst of all feeling as if my work has gone to shit. In a way it has because it’s setting me back; it’s me stepping forward five steps and retracting two almost every weekend. I want to keep going forward.

Sitting here writing about is allowing me the time to really think about it and compare the days during the week to the days at the end of week. I have a routine. I don’t like routines, but it’s part of life (don’t deter me here with anything else- I’m helping myself, here). Every day, Monday thru Friday I wake up and go to work. Some days I have enough time to get my gym back ready and I walk to the gym after work. Then I head home and do whatever else needs to get done. Other days I go straight home, hang around for the sun to go down a bit then go for a run, or a bike ride. I feel alright. I have softball games on Tuesdays and Fridays so on those days I get my workout done much earlier.

Throughout this time I am eating well. For the past two weeks I have prepped all my meals for the week and I have to say I love the feeling of not having to worry about making lunch, having to buy lunch, or having to eat a frozen microwavable meal. Two weeks ago I said I was not going to have any soda or bread and I did great for the first week. I went to a baby shower this past Saturday and I couldn’t say no to the cupcakes, the bread with the meal, and the soda. This has happened to me at least five times within the last five months (I see the trend too… stop it). I see that I have no will power. I had it in the beginning of it all so I don’t know why I can’t do it again. Maybe it’s not about eliminating but moderating. It’s just I know how bad soda is and I can’t say no to it. And bread?? Well, I really don’t know why I say I don’t want to eat bread. OK, maybe it’s because once I have a piece I can’t stop.

I believe the reason I have such a hard time moderating is because … I don’t know. Am I just glut? Is it just embedded in who I am? And I always have this annoying consciousness of my intake and how long it will take me to burn it off during exercise.

How can I roll the discipline I have 90% of the time during the week to the 55% discipline I have during the weekend? And in addition, lower the incidents that happen every so often during the week to eventually not having any?

 

Check out my instagram for some food pictures!! MonaDePorcelana and my twitter

My 25th Birthday

Celebrating my 25th with friends.

So, this weekend I turned 25 years old. For a hot minute I was not really looking forward to being 25 and every time I said it I added a fake whiny cry. It wasn’t after speaking with my friend, Evelyn (the one in blue) that it hit me that 25 is a great age. Maybe it’s the outlook she gave herself on this specific age or just her excitement on the fascination of being 25 years old, but regardless, it changed my perspective on it.

Last week I joined her and a friend for Happy Hour and with all the “25” talk I mentioned that I had read Jen’s post on being 26. It inspired me to make a list of my own. Her’s on things she looks forward to, but I want to do mine on things I want to do… 25 things to be exact.  There is no particular order, but I really can’t wait to get my list started. I haven’t had a sit down yet, but here are a few things that will for sure make my list: 1- complete a triathlon; 2- sky dive; and 3- run in just shorts and sports bra.

Now, on to the festivities of my birthday weekend. My actual birthday was Sunday but I celebrated it on Saturday. My sister gifted me the most beautiful and delicious cake. Here it is!

She brought it out exactly at midnight and it just made my night! For some reason this celebration was extra special. For the first time I felt no worries, no pressures, just lighthearted, free, and … young. I wish to feel this way every year. The people that care for me, that love me, and want the best for me where there (and then some). I had hoped to see a couple of specific faces, but in the end I didn’t want to spoil my night and decided not waste my energy on them.

I thought about what made me feel so happy and elated that day, which by the way I’m still feeling, and I believe it’s because I changed my outlook on age. I have found myself in what feels like borderline depression because I’ve yet to complete my bachelor’s degree, was still living in a rented room in what felt like still living at home, being single, losing focus on my weight-loss and fitness goals, and just dreading getting older and feeling like I’ve done nothing with my life. I know I will complete my degree program, I just have to be patient with life. I am on my own now and it feels great! I know things are not the greatest in my “love sphere” but I am managing better than I thought I would. I have regained most, if not all, my focus on my weight-loss and fitness journey because I remembered why I started. And I have to give myself more credit. I self-doubt, self-loath, and underestimate my abilities too often. I have to be proud of who I am, what I know, and what I do- after all, if I don’t, who will? And if someone tells me, I have to validate that with my own opinion of myself.

Too many people undervalue what they are, and overvalue what they’re not

Happy birthday to me! Happy 25th year to me! and Happy everything to me!