I’m Fat Again

I was able to maintain an average weight of 185lbs for a few years. I joined a weight-loss challenge and I was able to finally reach the 170lb range. I was the happiest person in the world. But, I’m fat again. I can feel it in my skin, the way I look, the way I feel, the way I look at the people around me.

These last 9 months have really shaped me to who I am today… a round ugly shape. I am by way of always being a self-sabotaging person. I don’t go around moping or being this sad pathetic individual… but I do that at home and internally as I stare at the body I have created. The worst is when I see pictures of myself from when I was looking all fly n’ shit. Like damn, I loved myself for real. And that’s what gets me – I should be loving myself always. I do and then I don’t. I fucken hate myself sometimes. I’ll be back… I’m going to do a split before and now.

Wow.. this is taking longer than I thought. After a certain time I don’t have that many selfies…

So I was never SKINNY but I felt good. I can buy close from any store, I felt confident in my skin and the way I carried myself. Maybe this stems from some fucked up psychological thing. Like, who hurt me? What made me so afraid of being fat. And I mean, when I was going through the process of losing weight I was doing it healthily- I was going to the gym, doing HITT workouts, I was eating right, I was outside running and playing sports and being all around active. I don’t know what made me so complacent that I chose other rather than myself. I’m not stupid.

I’m even getting upset looking for a picture to post here of how I looked and of how I look now. It makes me sad, because now I have to work twice as hard to just to get where I used to be.

I’m 216lbs even as of this morning and I am 5’7” … here’s to another journey.

-M

What’s For Lunch?

When I first started changing the way I eat I went cold turkey on a lot of things. Here are some of the things I left that I regularly ate without looking back- mayonnaise, cheese, white bread, whole milk (preferably no cow milk), soda, fast food, almost all chips, butter, corn oil, red meat (temporarily), salt where I can control it, chocolate (super hard), most sweets, and flour tortillas. I also avoided adding sugar to my teas. If I wanted to drink lemonade at a restaurant I’d order it but also ask for a glass of water and I’d mix it. Cutting back on pork wasn’t that bad. As hard as it was in the beginning it became that much easier in the future. I didn’t think I could leave the mayonnaise since I love it so much. FLASHBACK: growing up I spent a lot time at my grandmother’s house. some of the “snacks” were flour tortillas spread with a generous amount of mayonnaise.

I replaced milk with almond milk; I used mustard to add that little kick to my whole-wheat or grain sandwiches; I began eating a lot of turkey and more white chicken; and for cooking I used olive oil and occasionally extra virgin olive oil. I kicked up the intake of green vegetables (vegetables in general) and of my fruit. I began adding spinach to my sandwiches and salads, tried a variety of dressings other than Ranch and Thousand Island (<<< my favorite). I love mushrooms so adding more of that was no problem. I also started eating nuts and berries. Adding those to my oatmeal makes it that much more tasty. I opted for steamed rice wherever I could or brown rice. For snacks I did (do) baby carrots or celery with low-fat peanut or fat-free ranch dressing, apples, chopped tomato with a sprinkle of salt, cucumbers with lemon, watermelon, and cantaloupe amongst other fruits and veggies. I did a lot of Lean Cuisines for lunch and sandwiches which got  boring after a while, but they did the trick.

I’ll tell you, though, eating healthy costs money. The payout is worth it, however. I’ve made these “changes” a part of my life now but they are not concrete as when I first began. I read somewhere that the point is not abstinence, but moderation. Cheese is not bad, butter is not bad, neither are oils, but when someone over does it, it can get ugly- FAT UGLY! So with moderation and alternatives, just like me, you can reach your goals. Here is what I had for lunch the other day. Yummy!

Turkey Breast Wrap

 I started to have some soda around October of last year and now I’ve stopped this year again. My older sister hasn’t had soda in over 5 years! insane… *moderation* moderation. 🙂

What have you done differently to change your eating habits?