Something New

I am about to embark on a new experience and it’s scaring the wits out of me. Today I am to pick up the keys to my first apartment in which I will be living in alone. One of my greatest fears in life is ending up alone, with no one to talk to, no one to fall asleep with, and just miserable. When I have too much time in my hands and these thoughts cloud my mind I retract and want to disappear. I realize then, as I am now, that this is where I fall off my tracks and wean on some weight. This weight gain leads to feelings of futility and self-loathing that I become a weight-loss martyr. My thoughts become so negative that I refute anyone who tries to tell me different and the only thing that seems to bring me back to my senses is reading about fitness, weight-loss, people’s before and after stories, other weight-loss/health journys, and some who have stood to defy the societal pressures of thinness and be happy about being fat.

I’ve envisaged my lack of crediting myself on how far I’ve come, but the fact that I want more and know that my body can do more prohibits me from accepting my hard work thus far. So, when I read blogs, articles, or watch videos on the subjects I mentioned above I get reinvigorated. I begin to believe in myself again and set myself a new goal. I mentally plan out a routine and include activities in which I believe will make me more of an athlete rather than just a workout bot. I envision myself doing laps in the gym pool, or riding miles and miles on my bike, or getting back on the running train, or having a strict boxing regimen. I see myself following workout routines but only as preparation for the run, the swim, the cycling- but something holds me. I don’t know what it is. I set a date: “I’ll start this coming Monday.” But then I ask myself why Monday? Why not today? I DON’T KNOW WHY NOT TODAY!!! And just like that I’m back at square one. I lose motivation, I lack willingness and I end up feeling like a loser.

If you are a friend that reads my blog you have entered a dark side of my being. Sometimes I have questioned my judgement in sharing this blog with you because the purpose of it was to be positive and share the good and the joy of my journey. However, in previous posts I’ve already shared my honesty in how doubtful I am of myself and how self-conscious I am about my body, so maybe this one comes as no surprise. In thinking about it, it’s not a bad thing. I guess it’s good to show how human I am, how some part of me is like everyone else- I struggle. I am not perfect. I mean c’mon, just last week I wrote about coming back with a bang. In retrospect, I think I needed to get a lot of frustration out that I was internalizing and a lot of stress about my move and financial difficulties and that’s why I did so great.

Today I have a meeting with my trainer. I don’t know how it’s gonna go. I don’t want to be whinny and I have to keep telling myself that I can do this. I can start my new attitude on any day of the week- Tuesday it is.

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UPDATE on the Master Cleanse

I lasted 4 days on the cleanse. I had two reasons to end it; 1: I had registered for a 5k and not eating for 4 days would have been catastrophic- ok maybe not catastrophic but I didn’t want to risk passing out. 2; I lasted more than I thought I would and said I’ll try it some other time.

The good news was that I did lose 5lbs. I didn’t feel as hungry as I thought I would and realized how many times I snacked out of boredom. The lemonade was tasty; I love spicy and the cayenne made it pop. The worst part was definitely the salt water! I gagged every morning trying to chug it down- worst taste EVER. As for the tea before bed- I loved Yogi’s Get Regular. I drink used to drink Tadin’s Dieter’s Tea on days when I ate too much or had red meat, but now I have a new tea. YUMMO! I didn’t think the bathroom breaks were a big deal as some people described them. I did experience some never before seen/felt/smelled incidents but nothing that was too much or that scared me or made me feel unsafe about continuing.

When I thought about stopping I was afraid I’d feel defeated and guilty like the last time. I’m happy to say that I didn’t because I felt a change throughout the days I did do it. I sincerely congratulate those people that did complete it and encourage and support those who will try it.

Master Cleanse/Lemon Diet

For years I have been wanting to do a cleanse. My older sister and I even contemplated scheduling a colon cleanse (eek!). We didn’t do it- either because of money or I just stopped inquiring cause I was too much of a chicken. I have attempted a cleanse twice in my life. The first one was when I bought Beach Body’s Hip-Hop Abs; it comes with a powder substance and you’re supposed to be on it for 3 days. I only lasted one and a half days on it -.- The second one was the same one but many years later and I failed at it once again.

I have come with determination on this one because I feel icky inside and I want to change that feeling. I’ve read up on many cleanses- water, lemon juice, vegetable, fruit, anything under the sun basically. It was hard to find a reliable source but I came across Zoe’s blog and she really inspired me. I searched everywhere (Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s) for the raw coconut nectar but didn’t find it; the only thing that came close was one with sweetner. I went with her original recipe with the organic maple syrup grade b. I also couldn’t find the grey sea salt so i just opted for a non-iodide crystal sea salt.

I am on day 1. I drank my tea last night and it’s about 8:30a and I haven’t been able to finish the salt water flush; it’s just SO SALTY! I took some pictures and took my weight just so that I can track the changes on paper. I will follow up in 10 days and let you know how it all turned out. I’m so nervous! Send good juju my way please so that I can complete it. The benefits are supposed to be great and to me, they are just a bonus because my ultimate goal is to clean out my insides.

 

BTW: aren’t the lemon pictures refreshing!?

I take no credit for the images.

Filled With A Half-Ass New Year’s Resolution

I have been a gym member for four years but didn’t start taking advantage of it until the last year and a half. A commercial came on offering a Thanksgiving deal and I went online and scheduled my appointment for the next day- one of the best decisions I’ve made.

That being said, I understand the new volume of people flooding the gym floors. I see people and I see me in them: overweight, lost, scared, awkward, and in disbelief that they are now here because they are unhappy about x thing. I felt lost because I was in an unfamiliar place and I didn’t know where to go and what machines to use first. I was scared because I didn’t know anyone and didn’t know if I should. We are so individualistic and wrapped  up in our world with music in our ears that we don’t pay attention to anyone else. I should change that about myself since I know the feeling. Would you be bothered by a simple hello or someone who started a simple, quick conversation? I wouldn’t. I look at it this way- I meet you, we exchange a few words and next time we see each other I don’t expect to have a conversation with you, but I’m seeing a familiar face and the gym experience changes (for the better if you ask me). I understand that people go to the gym to workout and are determined, as am I, but sometimes I wish I knew someone there or had someone that I can say hi to since I’m there so often.

Speaking of determination and people at the gym with new year’s resolutions… I saw something yesterday that has been bothering me. I’ve seen it before but this time I said it outloud and now I’m writing about it. I had done 33 min on the eliptical and 23 on the stairmaster and finished my sets of 10 reps of 10 pushups and 8 reps of 25 crunches (work it!) and decided to stretch out since all the treadmills were in use and I didn’t feel like waiting. As I was stretching I saw this girl approach the stairmaster. My thoughts: atta girl! As I alternated from Down Dog to Chaturanga to Upward Facing Dog twice I look and she’s gone. I don’t think she really tried and it bugged me. I’ve been thinking about why and I think that it might be because I know people can do it but ONLY if they try. I’ve been that girl in the mirror looking at herself and saying how fat she looks and IF ONLY she would lose weight everything would be so much better. But I only complained and that got me nowhere. Then I went to the gym, but I wasn’t doing anything there either. Just saying I went to the gym is not enough. Then I would go and feel great and eat and eat! Not a good balance. I think I am that point that when I see a big girl (or guy) I know they can do it. Maybe they are not at the point where they’ve hit their rock-bottom but it bugs me when they are not even half-way trying.

It’s not my problem what people do or don’t do at the gym, but I wish I could do something about it. I really like telling people my stories about my successes and the feelings they bring. Every change creates a new layer in a person and I want to share that. I want to motivate people but I get disappointed when they don’t have it in them.

Thoughts?