Something New

I am about to embark on a new experience and it’s scaring the wits out of me. Today I am to pick up the keys to my first apartment in which I will be living in alone. One of my greatest fears in life is ending up alone, with no one to talk to, no one to fall asleep with, and just miserable. When I have too much time in my hands and these thoughts cloud my mind I retract and want to disappear. I realize then, as I am now, that this is where I fall off my tracks and wean on some weight. This weight gain leads to feelings of futility and self-loathing that I become a weight-loss martyr. My thoughts become so negative that I refute anyone who tries to tell me different and the only thing that seems to bring me back to my senses is reading about fitness, weight-loss, people’s before and after stories, other weight-loss/health journys, and some who have stood to defy the societal pressures of thinness and be happy about being fat.

I’ve envisaged my lack of crediting myself on how far I’ve come, but the fact that I want more and know that my body can do more prohibits me from accepting my hard work thus far. So, when I read blogs, articles, or watch videos on the subjects I mentioned above I get reinvigorated. I begin to believe in myself again and set myself a new goal. I mentally plan out a routine and include activities in which I believe will make me more of an athlete rather than just a workout bot. I envision myself doing laps in the gym pool, or riding miles and miles on my bike, or getting back on the running train, or having a strict boxing regimen. I see myself following workout routines but only as preparation for the run, the swim, the cycling- but something holds me. I don’t know what it is. I set a date: “I’ll start this coming Monday.” But then I ask myself why Monday? Why not today? I DON’T KNOW WHY NOT TODAY!!! And just like that I’m back at square one. I lose motivation, I lack willingness and I end up feeling like a loser.

If you are a friend that reads my blog you have entered a dark side of my being. Sometimes I have questioned my judgement in sharing this blog with you because the purpose of it was to be positive and share the good and the joy of my journey. However, in previous posts I’ve already shared my honesty in how doubtful I am of myself and how self-conscious I am about my body, so maybe this one comes as no surprise. In thinking about it, it’s not a bad thing. I guess it’s good to show how human I am, how some part of me is like everyone else- I struggle. I am not perfect. I mean c’mon, just last week I wrote about coming back with a bang. In retrospect, I think I needed to get a lot of frustration out that I was internalizing and a lot of stress about my move and financial difficulties and that’s why I did so great.

Today I have a meeting with my trainer. I don’t know how it’s gonna go. I don’t want to be whinny and I have to keep telling myself that I can do this. I can start my new attitude on any day of the week- Tuesday it is.

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I’m Back With A Bang

I got back from my Miami/Madrid vacation on May 3oth and the experience has changed my life. This was not the first time I traveled to another state or to another country overseas, but it was the most significant; I’m going to consider this a milestone in my life.

To see some pictures click here.

Both cities were amazing and the purpose of travel were different and the same all in one- to have fun, party, celebrate, and explore a new culture. Needless to say, but I’ll say it, I wanted to stay longer. I wanted to immerse myself in every aspect of Madrid life; it even got me thinking about studying abroad. And one more piece of good news that came from this trip: it made me start looking for my own place and if all goes well I’ll be owning my first apartment keys on June 27th. The experience was liberating and it made me think about all the things I’m afraid of and question them. I don’t want to be afraid anymore and I want to live up to all the little inspirational quotes I have around my office- a constant reminder that I should not be complacent and to always seek adventures that will make me wiser and grow as a person.

Here is my favorite one:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

This will be my experience and mine alone and people that would like to join me are more than welcomed. I’ve been afraid for too long to go on my own and it’s about time I do. I’m expecting a  bumpy ride considering the changes I’ll have to endure and also bearing in mind that life likes to throw curve-balls because it isn’t fair.

Because this is a fitness blog (and I didn’t think this post would be including a long intro on my travels and life realizations) I wanted to let you guys know how I’m doing in the fitness realm. This week especially I felt and received the best feedback from my trainer. He thought I would be lacking on stamina after my vacation and that he’d work his way up again, but I proved to him that he can pick up right from where I left off. Plus, my birthday is coming up and I told him I want to strive to be feeling my best. With that in mind I’m going hard. SIDE BAR: I maintained my weight all through my vacation and it wasn’t even something I was thinking about. I have to thank the cities for being so pedestrian and the girls (my travel pack) for being so active.

Tuesdays are our boxing/mma days and after the workout he told me, “This is where I wanted you. I expected you to want to break but you didn’t and I’m proud.” Mondays and Thursdays he alternates between full body and weight lifting, but with this spurt of progress and his belief that I will remain consistent at this pace for a while until he ups the ante again, we’re doing full-body on Mondays and Thursdays with boxing/mma on Tuesdays.

Until next time,

LosingMonica

What happened to me?

I met with my trainer last earlier this week and I had an episode of weakness. I have no clue what brought it on; maybe it was the perfectionist in me or the person inside of me that never wants to fail or look weak. Regardless of the reason I’m glad it happened.

Here is what happened. When I arrived he let me know that we weren’t boxing but doing something different. Ok, no problem. Toward the end I was feeling exhausted and getting frustrated for not keeping up. He obviously noticed and asked what was wrong. With a knot in my throat I told him that I can be and do better than I am now.

I hope I’m not putting too much pressure on myself. He assured me I was one of his few clients that he can really count on doing great throughout his workouts and that he wishes more of his people were as tough as me. Those words made me happy. And as I wiped the tears with my shirt sleeve I told him he better not be lying to me.

Does everyone go through a moment of total vulnerability sometimes?

Classes at the Gym? Do ‘Em

I think the best way to get my money’s worth at the gym is to take the classes that it offers. I’ve been going to the gym 5 to 6 days a week and the cardio machines get a little boring. The weight machines only target one muscle at a time, so I only do those once or twice a week. I haven’t mustered up the courage to workout in the free weight area of the gym if it’s not with my trainer. The reason? The guys that workout in that area intimidate me and I honestly don’t want to waste time time feeling judged.

The gym I go to offers so many classes and they’re all free! (the previous gym I went to charged for some). I did the cycling class once, but I didn’t like the instructor so I’m waiting for another instructor to lead that class. I’ve taken the Zumba class a couple of times and both instructors were awesome! I took the Mat Pilates class for the first time yesterday and tonight I’m planning on doing Yoga. Another great class offered at my gym is the Total Body Works + Abs; I used the 7Lbs and 10Lbs weights.

SIDE NOTES:

  • One of the best Yoga videos I’ve done is the P90X.
  • I have trouble keeping up with the tempo when using weights. Do you?
  • working out in a group makes me step up my game. Have you done any group classes?

What Do You Wear To The Gym?

It was brought to my attention that the clothes I wear to work does not give credit to my new body. I took that statement/observation as a compliment, but it left me thinking about the clothes I wear in general, especially to the gym.

Gym clothes came to mind first since that’s where I’ve been spending a lot of my time lately. I tend to wear old t-shirts, ones that I’ve had forever, because they’re lose and comfortable. I’ve worn sweats before and I’m not too fond of them because I can feel the sweat drip down my legs; so, I opt for tight cotton yoga pants or tight spandex running pants.

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Here are some pictures of me after the gym with my great looking t-shirts.

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The reason this is even a concern to me is because I see other girls at the gym with “style”. They wear the cute tight fitted tank-tops, tight shorts, cut-off t-shirts with a muscle shirt under, etc. Bottom line, they are showing their skin and exposing legs and arms. In retrospect, I believe it all stems from my self-consciousness. I’ve never really liked my arms, even now that you can tell I’ve worked on them. I’ve worn shorts before but didn’t feel confident, so never again. The thing is that I see other “big” girls and they’re working out with tight clothes and exposing arms and everything else for that matter. What do you wear to the gym? Should being comfortable be all that matters or should I be comfortable with a little spunk?

Here are my shoes of choice! ❤

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Filled With A Half-Ass New Year’s Resolution

I have been a gym member for four years but didn’t start taking advantage of it until the last year and a half. A commercial came on offering a Thanksgiving deal and I went online and scheduled my appointment for the next day- one of the best decisions I’ve made.

That being said, I understand the new volume of people flooding the gym floors. I see people and I see me in them: overweight, lost, scared, awkward, and in disbelief that they are now here because they are unhappy about x thing. I felt lost because I was in an unfamiliar place and I didn’t know where to go and what machines to use first. I was scared because I didn’t know anyone and didn’t know if I should. We are so individualistic and wrapped  up in our world with music in our ears that we don’t pay attention to anyone else. I should change that about myself since I know the feeling. Would you be bothered by a simple hello or someone who started a simple, quick conversation? I wouldn’t. I look at it this way- I meet you, we exchange a few words and next time we see each other I don’t expect to have a conversation with you, but I’m seeing a familiar face and the gym experience changes (for the better if you ask me). I understand that people go to the gym to workout and are determined, as am I, but sometimes I wish I knew someone there or had someone that I can say hi to since I’m there so often.

Speaking of determination and people at the gym with new year’s resolutions… I saw something yesterday that has been bothering me. I’ve seen it before but this time I said it outloud and now I’m writing about it. I had done 33 min on the eliptical and 23 on the stairmaster and finished my sets of 10 reps of 10 pushups and 8 reps of 25 crunches (work it!) and decided to stretch out since all the treadmills were in use and I didn’t feel like waiting. As I was stretching I saw this girl approach the stairmaster. My thoughts: atta girl! As I alternated from Down Dog to Chaturanga to Upward Facing Dog twice I look and she’s gone. I don’t think she really tried and it bugged me. I’ve been thinking about why and I think that it might be because I know people can do it but ONLY if they try. I’ve been that girl in the mirror looking at herself and saying how fat she looks and IF ONLY she would lose weight everything would be so much better. But I only complained and that got me nowhere. Then I went to the gym, but I wasn’t doing anything there either. Just saying I went to the gym is not enough. Then I would go and feel great and eat and eat! Not a good balance. I think I am that point that when I see a big girl (or guy) I know they can do it. Maybe they are not at the point where they’ve hit their rock-bottom but it bugs me when they are not even half-way trying.

It’s not my problem what people do or don’t do at the gym, but I wish I could do something about it. I really like telling people my stories about my successes and the feelings they bring. Every change creates a new layer in a person and I want to share that. I want to motivate people but I get disappointed when they don’t have it in them.

Thoughts?