I’m Fat Again

I was able to maintain an average weight of 185lbs for a few years. I joined a weight-loss challenge and I was able to finally reach the 170lb range. I was the happiest person in the world. But, I’m fat again. I can feel it in my skin, the way I look, the way I feel, the way I look at the people around me.

These last 9 months have really shaped me to who I am today… a round ugly shape. I am by way of always being a self-sabotaging person. I don’t go around moping or being this sad pathetic individual… but I do that at home and internally as I stare at the body I have created. The worst is when I see pictures of myself from when I was looking all fly n’ shit. Like damn, I loved myself for real. And that’s what gets me – I should be loving myself always. I do and then I don’t. I fucken hate myself sometimes. I’ll be back… I’m going to do a split before and now.

Wow.. this is taking longer than I thought. After a certain time I don’t have that many selfies…

So I was never SKINNY but I felt good. I can buy close from any store, I felt confident in my skin and the way I carried myself. Maybe this stems from some fucked up psychological thing. Like, who hurt me? What made me so afraid of being fat. And I mean, when I was going through the process of losing weight I was doing it healthily- I was going to the gym, doing HITT workouts, I was eating right, I was outside running and playing sports and being all around active. I don’t know what made me so complacent that I chose other rather than myself. I’m not stupid.

I’m even getting upset looking for a picture to post here of how I looked and of how I look now. It makes me sad, because now I have to work twice as hard to just to get where I used to be.

I’m 216lbs even as of this morning and I am 5’7” … here’s to another journey.

-M

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Feeling Good, Refreshed, and on Track

Today I had a great workout with my trainer. He messaged me asking me if I was available to meet this evening since his previous client had cancelled. I agreed and I couldn’t be more happy that I did.

I arrived about an hour early and set myself up on the stair climber and timed it for 30min on random level 7. I know Vince and I know me and I didn’t want to work myself too hard so I really took it easy- enough to feel some burn and work up a good sweat.

The workout today was all squat techniques and some pull-ups (my nemesis). I wish I had greater upper body strength, but I know that if i keep up with my kettle bell, core, and back workouts I’ll gain it soon enough.

Here are my stats on my max reps

squat – 135lbs

pull-ups – 10 on the purple and green bands

front squat – 105 lbs

dead-lift – 135lbs

I’m not too concerned with how “great” that was in comparison to others. All I care about is how good I felt. I grunted, I laughed, I learned, and I enjoyed the workout. Image

I Completed My First Tri … at the Gym

About 7 months ago I froze my gym trainer membership since I couldn’t keep it up if I was going to make my shift to independence successful. I wanted to freeze it again, but found out i couldn’t! I’m going to have to tough it out, I guess.

Saturday I met with him and discussed where I am fitness wise and what I have been up to. I have been more or less keeping up with working out but it’s only managed to help me maintain my current weight and level of fitness. I am looking forward to doing my first race this year- the Hollywood Half Marathon. This is my second time doing this race and I’m super excited because I’m considered a Legacy. Here is my experience from my first time. I also registered for the Santa Monica Classic (10K).

After going over all of that with Vince (trainer’s name) he challenged me to a triathlon. 1000km on the row machine, 7mi on the bike, and 2mi of running- all for time. I would have fared a better time if he wold have told me that I had to complete it in 45 min or less before I started. As I was reaching to complete my 7 mi on the bike is when he told me and I thought: that means I have to finish my 2 mi with a 6 mph pace. Well, i peddled faster and got on the treadmill quickly. My fastest mile I have ever done was at around 8 and a half minutes but yesterday I did it at 7:54.

My total time was 43m 40sec.

His time was 37min.

Great challenge! Next time I do it I think I’ll have a better time since I’ll be aware that I have a time cap 🙂

Doing Things My Way and At My Own Pace

I was talking to my coworkers about some of my latest blog posts and about how I feel I’ve lost a bit of my focus. OK, not a little, but a little more than a little. I mentioned to them how I didn’t even start my 100 Push Ups challenge, didn’t keep up with my plank a day, and didn’t stick entirely to the no soda or sweetened drinks plan. In this post I talk about how I shouldn’t wait for the start of the week, or the start of the month to start something new. But i didn’t take my own advice because I told them that coming Monday I will definitely start anew and truly commit. In fun, but also in all seriousness, my coworker told me that I should read my own blog. That verbal shove, or whatever you want to call it, was what I needed- it’s what I need every now and then.

I pulled out my phone, opened up my 100 Push Ups app and had them spot me do my initial push up test. I completed 11 good form push ups. I personally think that’s bad ass! With those results I was placed in level 3.

with my work badge and everything!

Here’s what I’ve done in two days. Week 1 almost complete!

I am also happy to announce that I cycled yesterday and it was such a liberating ride. It gave me time to think, even though I was focused on keeping a some-what steady pace. I thought about the awesome way I feel after I complete a workout. There really is nothing like it. I woke up in the morning and felt sluggish, but remembering that I have to follow my own advice, I got ready and grabbed my bike. I headed out and immediately felt a surge of happiness and contentedness. This reminded me of all the times I didn’t want to go to the gym, the times I wanted to cancel on my trainer, the times I didn’t want to go running, and in general just all the times I didn’t want to do something and then did. Willing my mind to do something it didn’t for whatever reason- fear of failure, laziness, or simply just not caring- is truly a rush.

Here are my stats through my endomondo app. 9.47 miles in 43m:48s

Avg Speed
13.0 mph
Max Speed
16.6 mph
Calories
616 kcal
Altitude
636 ft / 729 ft

 

Oh, and I didn’t want to make dinner last night, but I did.

It looks kinda gross, but it was really tasty.

I’m wishing the best of luck to myself in all I do.

xx

Monica

Plank A Day July 2nd

Here I go. I found the PlankADay post and thought I’d do it for 1 month (July and a day since I’m starting on the 2nd).  I figure that I will do it when I remember but will always have a reminder on my phone in case I haven’t done it.

Plank A Day- day one: 01:00

^ I did it in my office 🙂

 

In addition I will not be drinking any carbonated drinks or juice cocktails or anything sweet and sugar filled. The only juices I will drink will be those I make myself- orange juice is awesome (a new found love for it). Some of my favorite fresh fruit juices are watermelon, cantaloupe, strawberry, lemon, and lemon and pineapple. Now, to make them myself is another story- I have to get to peeling and squeezing.

The reason  is because I have totally neglected my water intake; I am feeling it. I stopped drinking soda for a little over a year and it was a great feeling. Then one day I said, I’ll just have a sip and another day I said I’ll have a cup… and there I was drinking and drinking soda. I didn’t feel guilty for it or questioned drinking it, but I noticed how I started preferring it. My body feels the difference and it’s dehydrated. To treat my self and my body I will pay more attention to it.

And before I forget, I have had the 100 push ups app on my phone for quite a while and reading Anna’s blog posts reminded me I should use it, so I’m doing that too. Just thinking about it i feel a little pain- the good kind.

100 Push Ups- day one:

 

Something New

I am about to embark on a new experience and it’s scaring the wits out of me. Today I am to pick up the keys to my first apartment in which I will be living in alone. One of my greatest fears in life is ending up alone, with no one to talk to, no one to fall asleep with, and just miserable. When I have too much time in my hands and these thoughts cloud my mind I retract and want to disappear. I realize then, as I am now, that this is where I fall off my tracks and wean on some weight. This weight gain leads to feelings of futility and self-loathing that I become a weight-loss martyr. My thoughts become so negative that I refute anyone who tries to tell me different and the only thing that seems to bring me back to my senses is reading about fitness, weight-loss, people’s before and after stories, other weight-loss/health journys, and some who have stood to defy the societal pressures of thinness and be happy about being fat.

I’ve envisaged my lack of crediting myself on how far I’ve come, but the fact that I want more and know that my body can do more prohibits me from accepting my hard work thus far. So, when I read blogs, articles, or watch videos on the subjects I mentioned above I get reinvigorated. I begin to believe in myself again and set myself a new goal. I mentally plan out a routine and include activities in which I believe will make me more of an athlete rather than just a workout bot. I envision myself doing laps in the gym pool, or riding miles and miles on my bike, or getting back on the running train, or having a strict boxing regimen. I see myself following workout routines but only as preparation for the run, the swim, the cycling- but something holds me. I don’t know what it is. I set a date: “I’ll start this coming Monday.” But then I ask myself why Monday? Why not today? I DON’T KNOW WHY NOT TODAY!!! And just like that I’m back at square one. I lose motivation, I lack willingness and I end up feeling like a loser.

If you are a friend that reads my blog you have entered a dark side of my being. Sometimes I have questioned my judgement in sharing this blog with you because the purpose of it was to be positive and share the good and the joy of my journey. However, in previous posts I’ve already shared my honesty in how doubtful I am of myself and how self-conscious I am about my body, so maybe this one comes as no surprise. In thinking about it, it’s not a bad thing. I guess it’s good to show how human I am, how some part of me is like everyone else- I struggle. I am not perfect. I mean c’mon, just last week I wrote about coming back with a bang. In retrospect, I think I needed to get a lot of frustration out that I was internalizing and a lot of stress about my move and financial difficulties and that’s why I did so great.

Today I have a meeting with my trainer. I don’t know how it’s gonna go. I don’t want to be whinny and I have to keep telling myself that I can do this. I can start my new attitude on any day of the week- Tuesday it is.

I’m Back With A Bang

I got back from my Miami/Madrid vacation on May 3oth and the experience has changed my life. This was not the first time I traveled to another state or to another country overseas, but it was the most significant; I’m going to consider this a milestone in my life.

To see some pictures click here.

Both cities were amazing and the purpose of travel were different and the same all in one- to have fun, party, celebrate, and explore a new culture. Needless to say, but I’ll say it, I wanted to stay longer. I wanted to immerse myself in every aspect of Madrid life; it even got me thinking about studying abroad. And one more piece of good news that came from this trip: it made me start looking for my own place and if all goes well I’ll be owning my first apartment keys on June 27th. The experience was liberating and it made me think about all the things I’m afraid of and question them. I don’t want to be afraid anymore and I want to live up to all the little inspirational quotes I have around my office- a constant reminder that I should not be complacent and to always seek adventures that will make me wiser and grow as a person.

Here is my favorite one:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

This will be my experience and mine alone and people that would like to join me are more than welcomed. I’ve been afraid for too long to go on my own and it’s about time I do. I’m expecting a  bumpy ride considering the changes I’ll have to endure and also bearing in mind that life likes to throw curve-balls because it isn’t fair.

Because this is a fitness blog (and I didn’t think this post would be including a long intro on my travels and life realizations) I wanted to let you guys know how I’m doing in the fitness realm. This week especially I felt and received the best feedback from my trainer. He thought I would be lacking on stamina after my vacation and that he’d work his way up again, but I proved to him that he can pick up right from where I left off. Plus, my birthday is coming up and I told him I want to strive to be feeling my best. With that in mind I’m going hard. SIDE BAR: I maintained my weight all through my vacation and it wasn’t even something I was thinking about. I have to thank the cities for being so pedestrian and the girls (my travel pack) for being so active.

Tuesdays are our boxing/mma days and after the workout he told me, “This is where I wanted you. I expected you to want to break but you didn’t and I’m proud.” Mondays and Thursdays he alternates between full body and weight lifting, but with this spurt of progress and his belief that I will remain consistent at this pace for a while until he ups the ante again, we’re doing full-body on Mondays and Thursdays with boxing/mma on Tuesdays.

Until next time,

LosingMonica