Ramble On, Monica. Ramble. On.

It would be easy to look over my posts to see when the last one was published, but I’m already writing this one and I don’t want to navigate through to get back to the draft. Main reason for stating the latter: I wanted to start this post with “I can’t remember when I last wrote, but it’s time I get back to it.”

That said, I believe this is my second entry on post hiatus. I lack discipline and it’s something I don’t admit often. I have recently looked deeper into who I am and I see a lot of denial. I see a lot of procrastination, a lot of selfishness, and a lot of want but no action. It makes me sad, it makes me want to not be who I am. I feel as if there are too many versions of myself and I need to choose one. I other people around me who know who they are, that do them with great ease and I envy that. I wish I knew exactly who I want to be.

There is a dichotomy of Monica in my everyday living. It’s a bit exhausting. Just the other day I was telling a really close friend of mine how much I dread being home sometimes because of the constant reminder “to do things” around my apartment. There’s a feeling of i just don’t want to do it because I don’t have the energy. I sit there and I stare at the pile of folded clothes that has been there for almost three weeks and tell myself, literally tell myself out loud, that all I have to do is put it away- take out some hangers and put it away. I tell myself that all I have to do is pick up my shoes and put them in the closet as I stare at the two pairs under my dining table. But I don’t want to do it, I can’t see myself doing it. So what do I do? I just watch TV. This borderline depressed person is just that… one person of me.

It’s not that I want to be the depressed person, but I feel that I can’t wallow in this person because I have other “me”‘s to attend to. I have the gym rat me, I have the sister, daughter, aunt, friend, lover, full-time employee me‘s that I must tend to. Am I having a hard time because I’m using the word must? I don’t know… and I feel that if I’m going to do me, the me I’m fighting off I will ostracize myself and I don’t know if I want that- no. I know I don’t want that.

So how do I deal? I once went to see a psychologist and she recommended medication. Needless to say I never went back. There are a lot of things  I must come to terms with myself and accept fully. What are those things? I’m not sure. I’m still afraid to even put that thought into a coherent concept/truth and even more afraid to say it out loud. Sometimes I want to go away somewhere and start all over. But start what all over? The different versions of me? No. I’m just not sure of anything. I need clarity. I want to disconnect. Disconnect to re-discover  or just discover myself for the first time. But I’m afraid to disconnect. Maybe my thing is that I have too many fears, or worry too much?

Does anyone else have this type of struggle with themselves?

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Feeling Good, Refreshed, and on Track

Today I had a great workout with my trainer. He messaged me asking me if I was available to meet this evening since his previous client had cancelled. I agreed and I couldn’t be more happy that I did.

I arrived about an hour early and set myself up on the stair climber and timed it for 30min on random level 7. I know Vince and I know me and I didn’t want to work myself too hard so I really took it easy- enough to feel some burn and work up a good sweat.

The workout today was all squat techniques and some pull-ups (my nemesis). I wish I had greater upper body strength, but I know that if i keep up with my kettle bell, core, and back workouts I’ll gain it soon enough.

Here are my stats on my max reps

squat – 135lbs

pull-ups – 10 on the purple and green bands

front squat – 105 lbs

dead-lift – 135lbs

I’m not too concerned with how “great” that was in comparison to others. All I care about is how good I felt. I grunted, I laughed, I learned, and I enjoyed the workout. Image

My 25th Birthday

Celebrating my 25th with friends.

So, this weekend I turned 25 years old. For a hot minute I was not really looking forward to being 25 and every time I said it I added a fake whiny cry. It wasn’t after speaking with my friend, Evelyn (the one in blue) that it hit me that 25 is a great age. Maybe it’s the outlook she gave herself on this specific age or just her excitement on the fascination of being 25 years old, but regardless, it changed my perspective on it.

Last week I joined her and a friend for Happy Hour and with all the “25” talk I mentioned that I had read Jen’s post on being 26. It inspired me to make a list of my own. Her’s on things she looks forward to, but I want to do mine on things I want to do… 25 things to be exact.  There is no particular order, but I really can’t wait to get my list started. I haven’t had a sit down yet, but here are a few things that will for sure make my list: 1- complete a triathlon; 2- sky dive; and 3- run in just shorts and sports bra.

Now, on to the festivities of my birthday weekend. My actual birthday was Sunday but I celebrated it on Saturday. My sister gifted me the most beautiful and delicious cake. Here it is!

She brought it out exactly at midnight and it just made my night! For some reason this celebration was extra special. For the first time I felt no worries, no pressures, just lighthearted, free, and … young. I wish to feel this way every year. The people that care for me, that love me, and want the best for me where there (and then some). I had hoped to see a couple of specific faces, but in the end I didn’t want to spoil my night and decided not waste my energy on them.

I thought about what made me feel so happy and elated that day, which by the way I’m still feeling, and I believe it’s because I changed my outlook on age. I have found myself in what feels like borderline depression because I’ve yet to complete my bachelor’s degree, was still living in a rented room in what felt like still living at home, being single, losing focus on my weight-loss and fitness goals, and just dreading getting older and feeling like I’ve done nothing with my life. I know I will complete my degree program, I just have to be patient with life. I am on my own now and it feels great! I know things are not the greatest in my “love sphere” but I am managing better than I thought I would. I have regained most, if not all, my focus on my weight-loss and fitness journey because I remembered why I started. And I have to give myself more credit. I self-doubt, self-loath, and underestimate my abilities too often. I have to be proud of who I am, what I know, and what I do- after all, if I don’t, who will? And if someone tells me, I have to validate that with my own opinion of myself.

Too many people undervalue what they are, and overvalue what they’re not

Happy birthday to me! Happy 25th year to me! and Happy everything to me!

Doing Things My Way and At My Own Pace

I was talking to my coworkers about some of my latest blog posts and about how I feel I’ve lost a bit of my focus. OK, not a little, but a little more than a little. I mentioned to them how I didn’t even start my 100 Push Ups challenge, didn’t keep up with my plank a day, and didn’t stick entirely to the no soda or sweetened drinks plan. In this post I talk about how I shouldn’t wait for the start of the week, or the start of the month to start something new. But i didn’t take my own advice because I told them that coming Monday I will definitely start anew and truly commit. In fun, but also in all seriousness, my coworker told me that I should read my own blog. That verbal shove, or whatever you want to call it, was what I needed- it’s what I need every now and then.

I pulled out my phone, opened up my 100 Push Ups app and had them spot me do my initial push up test. I completed 11 good form push ups. I personally think that’s bad ass! With those results I was placed in level 3.

with my work badge and everything!

Here’s what I’ve done in two days. Week 1 almost complete!

I am also happy to announce that I cycled yesterday and it was such a liberating ride. It gave me time to think, even though I was focused on keeping a some-what steady pace. I thought about the awesome way I feel after I complete a workout. There really is nothing like it. I woke up in the morning and felt sluggish, but remembering that I have to follow my own advice, I got ready and grabbed my bike. I headed out and immediately felt a surge of happiness and contentedness. This reminded me of all the times I didn’t want to go to the gym, the times I wanted to cancel on my trainer, the times I didn’t want to go running, and in general just all the times I didn’t want to do something and then did. Willing my mind to do something it didn’t for whatever reason- fear of failure, laziness, or simply just not caring- is truly a rush.

Here are my stats through my endomondo app. 9.47 miles in 43m:48s

Avg Speed
13.0 mph
Max Speed
16.6 mph
Calories
616 kcal
Altitude
636 ft / 729 ft

 

Oh, and I didn’t want to make dinner last night, but I did.

It looks kinda gross, but it was really tasty.

I’m wishing the best of luck to myself in all I do.

xx

Monica

Something New

I am about to embark on a new experience and it’s scaring the wits out of me. Today I am to pick up the keys to my first apartment in which I will be living in alone. One of my greatest fears in life is ending up alone, with no one to talk to, no one to fall asleep with, and just miserable. When I have too much time in my hands and these thoughts cloud my mind I retract and want to disappear. I realize then, as I am now, that this is where I fall off my tracks and wean on some weight. This weight gain leads to feelings of futility and self-loathing that I become a weight-loss martyr. My thoughts become so negative that I refute anyone who tries to tell me different and the only thing that seems to bring me back to my senses is reading about fitness, weight-loss, people’s before and after stories, other weight-loss/health journys, and some who have stood to defy the societal pressures of thinness and be happy about being fat.

I’ve envisaged my lack of crediting myself on how far I’ve come, but the fact that I want more and know that my body can do more prohibits me from accepting my hard work thus far. So, when I read blogs, articles, or watch videos on the subjects I mentioned above I get reinvigorated. I begin to believe in myself again and set myself a new goal. I mentally plan out a routine and include activities in which I believe will make me more of an athlete rather than just a workout bot. I envision myself doing laps in the gym pool, or riding miles and miles on my bike, or getting back on the running train, or having a strict boxing regimen. I see myself following workout routines but only as preparation for the run, the swim, the cycling- but something holds me. I don’t know what it is. I set a date: “I’ll start this coming Monday.” But then I ask myself why Monday? Why not today? I DON’T KNOW WHY NOT TODAY!!! And just like that I’m back at square one. I lose motivation, I lack willingness and I end up feeling like a loser.

If you are a friend that reads my blog you have entered a dark side of my being. Sometimes I have questioned my judgement in sharing this blog with you because the purpose of it was to be positive and share the good and the joy of my journey. However, in previous posts I’ve already shared my honesty in how doubtful I am of myself and how self-conscious I am about my body, so maybe this one comes as no surprise. In thinking about it, it’s not a bad thing. I guess it’s good to show how human I am, how some part of me is like everyone else- I struggle. I am not perfect. I mean c’mon, just last week I wrote about coming back with a bang. In retrospect, I think I needed to get a lot of frustration out that I was internalizing and a lot of stress about my move and financial difficulties and that’s why I did so great.

Today I have a meeting with my trainer. I don’t know how it’s gonna go. I don’t want to be whinny and I have to keep telling myself that I can do this. I can start my new attitude on any day of the week- Tuesday it is.

I’m Back With A Bang

I got back from my Miami/Madrid vacation on May 3oth and the experience has changed my life. This was not the first time I traveled to another state or to another country overseas, but it was the most significant; I’m going to consider this a milestone in my life.

To see some pictures click here.

Both cities were amazing and the purpose of travel were different and the same all in one- to have fun, party, celebrate, and explore a new culture. Needless to say, but I’ll say it, I wanted to stay longer. I wanted to immerse myself in every aspect of Madrid life; it even got me thinking about studying abroad. And one more piece of good news that came from this trip: it made me start looking for my own place and if all goes well I’ll be owning my first apartment keys on June 27th. The experience was liberating and it made me think about all the things I’m afraid of and question them. I don’t want to be afraid anymore and I want to live up to all the little inspirational quotes I have around my office- a constant reminder that I should not be complacent and to always seek adventures that will make me wiser and grow as a person.

Here is my favorite one:

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

This will be my experience and mine alone and people that would like to join me are more than welcomed. I’ve been afraid for too long to go on my own and it’s about time I do. I’m expecting a  bumpy ride considering the changes I’ll have to endure and also bearing in mind that life likes to throw curve-balls because it isn’t fair.

Because this is a fitness blog (and I didn’t think this post would be including a long intro on my travels and life realizations) I wanted to let you guys know how I’m doing in the fitness realm. This week especially I felt and received the best feedback from my trainer. He thought I would be lacking on stamina after my vacation and that he’d work his way up again, but I proved to him that he can pick up right from where I left off. Plus, my birthday is coming up and I told him I want to strive to be feeling my best. With that in mind I’m going hard. SIDE BAR: I maintained my weight all through my vacation and it wasn’t even something I was thinking about. I have to thank the cities for being so pedestrian and the girls (my travel pack) for being so active.

Tuesdays are our boxing/mma days and after the workout he told me, “This is where I wanted you. I expected you to want to break but you didn’t and I’m proud.” Mondays and Thursdays he alternates between full body and weight lifting, but with this spurt of progress and his belief that I will remain consistent at this pace for a while until he ups the ante again, we’re doing full-body on Mondays and Thursdays with boxing/mma on Tuesdays.

Until next time,

LosingMonica

Hollywood Half Marathon

Hi everyone! I recently ran the Inaugural Hollywood Half Marathon and it was such a great experience. I didn’t start on time (not surprising), but I finished. My time was 2:18:25.2 (my clock time was 2:56 something <- that’s to give you an idea how late I started) – I’m so proud. Can you believe I ran a Marathon before a half? With that said I wasn’t nervous at all and was able to kill the hill.

I took a few pictures along the way of a group of Elvis’, a man running with a watermelon on his head, a lady hula-hooping her way to a world record, a genie, a man as a Marylin Monroe, and Jackie Moon among others. I am definitely going to be running many more Hollywood Half Marathons- I have to, look at the medal!

I feel special and honored to be a part of this inaugural event.

Me after the race taking a self-portrait!

The red carpet! I felt properly dressed and like a STAR!

This was my first race in which I dressed up. The dress I wore was supposed to be my prom dress but because it was made horribly I never wore it. I cut it (waaay) above my knees and thought I looked awesome in it.

I’m running the Nike sponsored SheRunsLA (80’s themed) next Saturday (April 14th) and I’m looking forward to dressing up as well! I’m really on this running bug, aren’t I? Here are some photos of my and my friend’s son who joined me on the race (he was with me, so he was late too :0 ).

PS:

I think I’ve only made it on time for 2 races out of the 5 or 6 I’ve registered for (i say registered and not participated in because I woke up late to the Halloween Rock N’ Roll Half Marathon last year and didn’t make it). EEK!

PSS:

I really need new running shoes. Any suggestions?