I’m Fat Again

I was able to maintain an average weight of 185lbs for a few years. I joined a weight-loss challenge and I was able to finally reach the 170lb range. I was the happiest person in the world. But, I’m fat again. I can feel it in my skin, the way I look, the way I feel, the way I look at the people around me.

These last 9 months have really shaped me to who I am today… a round ugly shape. I am by way of always being a self-sabotaging person. I don’t go around moping or being this sad pathetic individual… but I do that at home and internally as I stare at the body I have created. The worst is when I see pictures of myself from when I was looking all fly n’ shit. Like damn, I loved myself for real. And that’s what gets me – I should be loving myself always. I do and then I don’t. I fucken hate myself sometimes. I’ll be back… I’m going to do a split before and now.

Wow.. this is taking longer than I thought. After a certain time I don’t have that many selfies…

So I was never SKINNY but I felt good. I can buy close from any store, I felt confident in my skin and the way I carried myself. Maybe this stems from some fucked up psychological thing. Like, who hurt me? What made me so afraid of being fat. And I mean, when I was going through the process of losing weight I was doing it healthily- I was going to the gym, doing HITT workouts, I was eating right, I was outside running and playing sports and being all around active. I don’t know what made me so complacent that I chose other rather than myself. I’m not stupid.

I’m even getting upset looking for a picture to post here of how I looked and of how I look now. It makes me sad, because now I have to work twice as hard to just to get where I used to be.

I’m 216lbs even as of this morning and I am 5’7” … here’s to another journey.

-M

The Way of The Superior Man (partial book review/opinion piece)

I’m not done with the book but it has impacted me enough to want to write about it. I’m about half way through and I’ve had to pause so many times in between the chapters so soak it all in. You see it’s directed at people who are trying to master the challenges in different aspects of their lives and it’s hitting home for me. 

The way Deida has depicted the feminine in women, as well as in men, makes complete sense. His explanation of the masculine and feminine polarity in intimacy fits into my vision of how men and women should work in a relationship. Every person has a feminine and a masculine side and there should be a balance. Maybe the woman has the dominant masculine side and the man the feminine side as predominant. That is not a bad thing as long as those elements are defined and both parties are aware. When this is not the case trust in one another is lost and that’s when the couple begins a downward spiral. These roles are not finite, they are always changing, like cycles. But there is always a balance between the man and woman and their masculine and feminine aspects.

I understand that many couples reach this realization after many years and some perhaps never will. Reading Deida will make you reach it sooner. Deida says that if you’ve tried your best at trying to make it work with a person and things are just not jiving then you should let go. That, however, is my greatest fear. Letting go feels like I’ve given up, but i know deep down inside my heart that this feeling is wrong. I’m currently in the process of transferring to another state within my organization and I’m glad to say that this is a move toward mastering my work challenges. I haven’t been satisfied with my job for a long time and I’ve finally decided to change that. However hard it is for me to move away from my family and the people that I so dearly love i know that it’s the right thing for me; there are no more excuses.

Deida speaks of finding what you like to do, what you LOVE to do, and to work on it for at least an hour a day. And if while you’re working at it you come to find out it’s not what you thought, you’ve at least penetrated a layer into reaching the core of who you are- which is the ultimate goal in knowing what your gift to the world is. He also explains how man should live at the edge of his fear (something I feel I’m doing with this career move) and that we should all learn to accept that things will never be “done”. This gift that he speaks of is love. Once you have found your core- who you really are- is when you can give love freely and without fear. Reading about fear, letting go, finding your gifts, giving yourself, etc. etc. forces me to reflect on the person I am and who I am with. 

My future holds him, sees him, is him. But since I can’t predict the future he might as well not be. The love I’m in is difficult for many reasons and reading Deida shed a light on the reasons of why things might be as they are. I don’t want to analyze him or assume and speak for someone because it’s not fair to him or to me, but I can make my own judgement and work to better myself in the life that is mine. I would love to be one with him because I feel in my deepest depths that we can, but if that’s not the case then he’s another layer peeled from my being in efforts to reach my core. If my honesty and my giving of my gift without fear is not being accepted fully then moving on is not necessarily a wrong/bad decision.

Writing this pains me. My heart hurts and my eyes are filling with tears of sadness. The masculine in me is being rational and making decisions. The feminine in me, the ocean that is my woman, is tormenting. My feminine energy is overflowing with emotions of pride, of guilt, of fear of the unknown, and of excitement for what’s ahead. I guess Deida is putting into words my feelings and has allowed me to define them in real terms. What I am afraid to speak or say he is writing with clarity and without fear. 

to be continued…

My 25th Birthday

Celebrating my 25th with friends.

So, this weekend I turned 25 years old. For a hot minute I was not really looking forward to being 25 and every time I said it I added a fake whiny cry. It wasn’t after speaking with my friend, Evelyn (the one in blue) that it hit me that 25 is a great age. Maybe it’s the outlook she gave herself on this specific age or just her excitement on the fascination of being 25 years old, but regardless, it changed my perspective on it.

Last week I joined her and a friend for Happy Hour and with all the “25” talk I mentioned that I had read Jen’s post on being 26. It inspired me to make a list of my own. Her’s on things she looks forward to, but I want to do mine on things I want to do… 25 things to be exact.  There is no particular order, but I really can’t wait to get my list started. I haven’t had a sit down yet, but here are a few things that will for sure make my list: 1- complete a triathlon; 2- sky dive; and 3- run in just shorts and sports bra.

Now, on to the festivities of my birthday weekend. My actual birthday was Sunday but I celebrated it on Saturday. My sister gifted me the most beautiful and delicious cake. Here it is!

She brought it out exactly at midnight and it just made my night! For some reason this celebration was extra special. For the first time I felt no worries, no pressures, just lighthearted, free, and … young. I wish to feel this way every year. The people that care for me, that love me, and want the best for me where there (and then some). I had hoped to see a couple of specific faces, but in the end I didn’t want to spoil my night and decided not waste my energy on them.

I thought about what made me feel so happy and elated that day, which by the way I’m still feeling, and I believe it’s because I changed my outlook on age. I have found myself in what feels like borderline depression because I’ve yet to complete my bachelor’s degree, was still living in a rented room in what felt like still living at home, being single, losing focus on my weight-loss and fitness goals, and just dreading getting older and feeling like I’ve done nothing with my life. I know I will complete my degree program, I just have to be patient with life. I am on my own now and it feels great! I know things are not the greatest in my “love sphere” but I am managing better than I thought I would. I have regained most, if not all, my focus on my weight-loss and fitness journey because I remembered why I started. And I have to give myself more credit. I self-doubt, self-loath, and underestimate my abilities too often. I have to be proud of who I am, what I know, and what I do- after all, if I don’t, who will? And if someone tells me, I have to validate that with my own opinion of myself.

Too many people undervalue what they are, and overvalue what they’re not

Happy birthday to me! Happy 25th year to me! and Happy everything to me!

Filled With A Half-Ass New Year’s Resolution

I have been a gym member for four years but didn’t start taking advantage of it until the last year and a half. A commercial came on offering a Thanksgiving deal and I went online and scheduled my appointment for the next day- one of the best decisions I’ve made.

That being said, I understand the new volume of people flooding the gym floors. I see people and I see me in them: overweight, lost, scared, awkward, and in disbelief that they are now here because they are unhappy about x thing. I felt lost because I was in an unfamiliar place and I didn’t know where to go and what machines to use first. I was scared because I didn’t know anyone and didn’t know if I should. We are so individualistic and wrapped  up in our world with music in our ears that we don’t pay attention to anyone else. I should change that about myself since I know the feeling. Would you be bothered by a simple hello or someone who started a simple, quick conversation? I wouldn’t. I look at it this way- I meet you, we exchange a few words and next time we see each other I don’t expect to have a conversation with you, but I’m seeing a familiar face and the gym experience changes (for the better if you ask me). I understand that people go to the gym to workout and are determined, as am I, but sometimes I wish I knew someone there or had someone that I can say hi to since I’m there so often.

Speaking of determination and people at the gym with new year’s resolutions… I saw something yesterday that has been bothering me. I’ve seen it before but this time I said it outloud and now I’m writing about it. I had done 33 min on the eliptical and 23 on the stairmaster and finished my sets of 10 reps of 10 pushups and 8 reps of 25 crunches (work it!) and decided to stretch out since all the treadmills were in use and I didn’t feel like waiting. As I was stretching I saw this girl approach the stairmaster. My thoughts: atta girl! As I alternated from Down Dog to Chaturanga to Upward Facing Dog twice I look and she’s gone. I don’t think she really tried and it bugged me. I’ve been thinking about why and I think that it might be because I know people can do it but ONLY if they try. I’ve been that girl in the mirror looking at herself and saying how fat she looks and IF ONLY she would lose weight everything would be so much better. But I only complained and that got me nowhere. Then I went to the gym, but I wasn’t doing anything there either. Just saying I went to the gym is not enough. Then I would go and feel great and eat and eat! Not a good balance. I think I am that point that when I see a big girl (or guy) I know they can do it. Maybe they are not at the point where they’ve hit their rock-bottom but it bugs me when they are not even half-way trying.

It’s not my problem what people do or don’t do at the gym, but I wish I could do something about it. I really like telling people my stories about my successes and the feelings they bring. Every change creates a new layer in a person and I want to share that. I want to motivate people but I get disappointed when they don’t have it in them.

Thoughts?