I Completed My First Tri … at the Gym

About 7 months ago I froze my gym trainer membership since I couldn’t keep it up if I was going to make my shift to independence successful. I wanted to freeze it again, but found out i couldn’t! I’m going to have to tough it out, I guess.

Saturday I met with him and discussed where I am fitness wise and what I have been up to. I have been more or less keeping up with working out but it’s only managed to help me maintain my current weight and level of fitness. I am looking forward to doing my first race this year- the Hollywood Half Marathon. This is my second time doing this race and I’m super excited because I’m considered a Legacy. Here is my experience from my first time. I also registered for the Santa Monica Classic (10K).

After going over all of that with Vince (trainer’s name) he challenged me to a triathlon. 1000km on the row machine, 7mi on the bike, and 2mi of running- all for time. I would have fared a better time if he wold have told me that I had to complete it in 45 min or less before I started. As I was reaching to complete my 7 mi on the bike is when he told me and I thought: that means I have to finish my 2 mi with a 6 mph pace. Well, i peddled faster and got on the treadmill quickly. My fastest mile I have ever done was at around 8 and a half minutes but yesterday I did it at 7:54.

My total time was 43m 40sec.

His time was 37min.

Great challenge! Next time I do it I think I’ll have a better time since I’ll be aware that I have a time cap 🙂

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Something New

I am about to embark on a new experience and it’s scaring the wits out of me. Today I am to pick up the keys to my first apartment in which I will be living in alone. One of my greatest fears in life is ending up alone, with no one to talk to, no one to fall asleep with, and just miserable. When I have too much time in my hands and these thoughts cloud my mind I retract and want to disappear. I realize then, as I am now, that this is where I fall off my tracks and wean on some weight. This weight gain leads to feelings of futility and self-loathing that I become a weight-loss martyr. My thoughts become so negative that I refute anyone who tries to tell me different and the only thing that seems to bring me back to my senses is reading about fitness, weight-loss, people’s before and after stories, other weight-loss/health journys, and some who have stood to defy the societal pressures of thinness and be happy about being fat.

I’ve envisaged my lack of crediting myself on how far I’ve come, but the fact that I want more and know that my body can do more prohibits me from accepting my hard work thus far. So, when I read blogs, articles, or watch videos on the subjects I mentioned above I get reinvigorated. I begin to believe in myself again and set myself a new goal. I mentally plan out a routine and include activities in which I believe will make me more of an athlete rather than just a workout bot. I envision myself doing laps in the gym pool, or riding miles and miles on my bike, or getting back on the running train, or having a strict boxing regimen. I see myself following workout routines but only as preparation for the run, the swim, the cycling- but something holds me. I don’t know what it is. I set a date: “I’ll start this coming Monday.” But then I ask myself why Monday? Why not today? I DON’T KNOW WHY NOT TODAY!!! And just like that I’m back at square one. I lose motivation, I lack willingness and I end up feeling like a loser.

If you are a friend that reads my blog you have entered a dark side of my being. Sometimes I have questioned my judgement in sharing this blog with you because the purpose of it was to be positive and share the good and the joy of my journey. However, in previous posts I’ve already shared my honesty in how doubtful I am of myself and how self-conscious I am about my body, so maybe this one comes as no surprise. In thinking about it, it’s not a bad thing. I guess it’s good to show how human I am, how some part of me is like everyone else- I struggle. I am not perfect. I mean c’mon, just last week I wrote about coming back with a bang. In retrospect, I think I needed to get a lot of frustration out that I was internalizing and a lot of stress about my move and financial difficulties and that’s why I did so great.

Today I have a meeting with my trainer. I don’t know how it’s gonna go. I don’t want to be whinny and I have to keep telling myself that I can do this. I can start my new attitude on any day of the week- Tuesday it is.

Self-Doubt

I meet with my personal trainer three times a week. He’s really a great guy and I enjoy working out to his routines and his pace (sometimes). During one of workouts last week I realized something about myself- I complain. I complain during my workouts and I thought about how annoying I might be. I kept these sentiments to myself and let them go. I met with him again yesterday evening and there I was, complaining, no, whining. I don’t know what I want to call it- I don’t think it was bitching because I was doing what he wanted me to.

Here’s an example: When we kick-box he has these arm pads that I kick. He tells me to do the pyramid. What that is is I kick once, get back to stance, kick twice, back to stance, kick three times, back to stance, kick twice, back to stance, and kick one last time. With a millisecond in between I switch legs and do the same thing. Easy enough? It should be. Well, here’s me: I’m about to the three kicks on one leg and I stop and say hold on- I need to catch my breath. He pushes me to keep going and I do. My last kick is always lame and we both know it. I put my hands on my waist and grunt and he’s telling me to keep going on my other leg. I do, but I keep making a fuss. He gives me about 45 seconds to one minute rest and we’re at it again; I’m at it again. Throughout different exercises I gripe, claiming I’m out of breath, which sometimes I’m not. I’m sure it’s frustrating, I know it’s frustrating.

Reflecting on my actions I want to know why I act this way. Is there something deeper to my whining? Am I really just afraid of something? I don’t know but here’s what I’m thinking. All my life, even now that I am 60lbs lighter and looking better than ever, I’ve been brooding over my body image and not giving myself enough credit for anything I do. Sometimes I look at my naked body in the mirror and I see the change but I don’t feel how I probably should. Maybe I can’t be 100% in something if I’m not feeling 100% myself. Can that be it? What if it’s attention I’m seeking? Is that selfish?All I know is that I need to shut up and keep up. I have another meeting tonight and it’s kick-boxing. GREAT! To my defense I do finish the workouts and I end strong on the last exercise so – what is it?

This needs to be my mantra!

This needs to be my mantra!

photo credit: http://www.pluginid.com/motivational-workout-quotes/

UPDATE on the Master Cleanse

I lasted 4 days on the cleanse. I had two reasons to end it; 1: I had registered for a 5k and not eating for 4 days would have been catastrophic- ok maybe not catastrophic but I didn’t want to risk passing out. 2; I lasted more than I thought I would and said I’ll try it some other time.

The good news was that I did lose 5lbs. I didn’t feel as hungry as I thought I would and realized how many times I snacked out of boredom. The lemonade was tasty; I love spicy and the cayenne made it pop. The worst part was definitely the salt water! I gagged every morning trying to chug it down- worst taste EVER. As for the tea before bed- I loved Yogi’s Get Regular. I drink used to drink Tadin’s Dieter’s Tea on days when I ate too much or had red meat, but now I have a new tea. YUMMO! I didn’t think the bathroom breaks were a big deal as some people described them. I did experience some never before seen/felt/smelled incidents but nothing that was too much or that scared me or made me feel unsafe about continuing.

When I thought about stopping I was afraid I’d feel defeated and guilty like the last time. I’m happy to say that I didn’t because I felt a change throughout the days I did do it. I sincerely congratulate those people that did complete it and encourage and support those who will try it.

Master Cleanse/Lemon Diet

For years I have been wanting to do a cleanse. My older sister and I even contemplated scheduling a colon cleanse (eek!). We didn’t do it- either because of money or I just stopped inquiring cause I was too much of a chicken. I have attempted a cleanse twice in my life. The first one was when I bought Beach Body’s Hip-Hop Abs; it comes with a powder substance and you’re supposed to be on it for 3 days. I only lasted one and a half days on it -.- The second one was the same one but many years later and I failed at it once again.

I have come with determination on this one because I feel icky inside and I want to change that feeling. I’ve read up on many cleanses- water, lemon juice, vegetable, fruit, anything under the sun basically. It was hard to find a reliable source but I came across Zoe’s blog and she really inspired me. I searched everywhere (Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s) for the raw coconut nectar but didn’t find it; the only thing that came close was one with sweetner. I went with her original recipe with the organic maple syrup grade b. I also couldn’t find the grey sea salt so i just opted for a non-iodide crystal sea salt.

I am on day 1. I drank my tea last night and it’s about 8:30a and I haven’t been able to finish the salt water flush; it’s just SO SALTY! I took some pictures and took my weight just so that I can track the changes on paper. I will follow up in 10 days and let you know how it all turned out. I’m so nervous! Send good juju my way please so that I can complete it. The benefits are supposed to be great and to me, they are just a bonus because my ultimate goal is to clean out my insides.

 

BTW: aren’t the lemon pictures refreshing!?

I take no credit for the images.

My New Addiction – Boxing

I’ve been gone for a while, but I’m back!

The day my friends and I made Miami official I told my trainer. He asked me what that meant for him and I said that it meant he has to push me hard so that I can reach my goal sooner. I believe my words were music to his ears. The next meeting he brought out gloves and pads- he meant business. We’re going hard on some crazy martial arts and kickboxing techniques; it’s so much fun. I love it so much I even went out and bought myself the gel inserts, gloves and a 100lb bag. I can’t wait to hang it!

These are 12 oz which my trainer says will help me really knock someone out. I was reminded that although this is what he and I are working on I still need to be working on my cardio and weight training. >.<

 

 

 

 

These gel inserts work miracles. I first trained without them and I bruised my knuckles. OUCH! but once I used them, I felt so much better and I can go so much harder!

Boxing is such a great stress reliever. I’m looking forward to purchasing the Bas Rutten workout CDs once I hang my bag!

My Breasts

Losing weight has opened new doors for me. Although I am happy about that, there is still a part of me that feels insecure. I fear that I will never be completely happy in my own skin. I don’t know exactly why but when I think about it I believe this insecurity stems from being unhappy about different parts of my body. I remember one time being with my one of my sisters in our early teens talking about our boobs. She was pointing out how she wore a bigger bra size than me or needed a bigger bra and I was arguing with her that it wasn’t true- that mine were bigger. Needless to say, I’ve always felt uncomfortable being smaller-breasted than my sisters. It’s fairly obvious and sometimes family doesn’t fail to remind me of it, but being who I am I play it off and pretend being okay with it. I’m truly not OK with it that for a long time I contemplated getting some fake ones; I even told my sisters about it. I don’t believe I will since I’m paranoid about needles and any pain associated with voluntary decisions. My friends tell me that I am fine the way I look and that I shouldn’t let that bother me, but it does. I try clothes on and I swear I would look better if I can fill the top part. It’s frustrating not being happy with what I see in the mirror. I think that maybe if I am thinner my small breasts won’t be as prominent and will go better with my smaller body. Here is to hoping.