I Completed My First Tri … at the Gym

About 7 months ago I froze my gym trainer membership since I couldn’t keep it up if I was going to make my shift to independence successful. I wanted to freeze it again, but found out i couldn’t! I’m going to have to tough it out, I guess.

Saturday I met with him and discussed where I am fitness wise and what I have been up to. I have been more or less keeping up with working out but it’s only managed to help me maintain my current weight and level of fitness. I am looking forward to doing my first race this year- the Hollywood Half Marathon. This is my second time doing this race and I’m super excited because I’m considered a Legacy. Here is my experience from my first time. I also registered for the Santa Monica Classic (10K).

After going over all of that with Vince (trainer’s name) he challenged me to a triathlon. 1000km on the row machine, 7mi on the bike, and 2mi of running- all for time. I would have fared a better time if he wold have told me that I had to complete it in 45 min or less before I started. As I was reaching to complete my 7 mi on the bike is when he told me and I thought: that means I have to finish my 2 mi with a 6 mph pace. Well, i peddled faster and got on the treadmill quickly. My fastest mile I have ever done was at around 8 and a half minutes but yesterday I did it at 7:54.

My total time was 43m 40sec.

His time was 37min.

Great challenge! Next time I do it I think I’ll have a better time since I’ll be aware that I have a time cap 🙂

My 25th Birthday

Celebrating my 25th with friends.

So, this weekend I turned 25 years old. For a hot minute I was not really looking forward to being 25 and every time I said it I added a fake whiny cry. It wasn’t after speaking with my friend, Evelyn (the one in blue) that it hit me that 25 is a great age. Maybe it’s the outlook she gave herself on this specific age or just her excitement on the fascination of being 25 years old, but regardless, it changed my perspective on it.

Last week I joined her and a friend for Happy Hour and with all the “25” talk I mentioned that I had read Jen’s post on being 26. It inspired me to make a list of my own. Her’s on things she looks forward to, but I want to do mine on things I want to do… 25 things to be exact.  There is no particular order, but I really can’t wait to get my list started. I haven’t had a sit down yet, but here are a few things that will for sure make my list: 1- complete a triathlon; 2- sky dive; and 3- run in just shorts and sports bra.

Now, on to the festivities of my birthday weekend. My actual birthday was Sunday but I celebrated it on Saturday. My sister gifted me the most beautiful and delicious cake. Here it is!

She brought it out exactly at midnight and it just made my night! For some reason this celebration was extra special. For the first time I felt no worries, no pressures, just lighthearted, free, and … young. I wish to feel this way every year. The people that care for me, that love me, and want the best for me where there (and then some). I had hoped to see a couple of specific faces, but in the end I didn’t want to spoil my night and decided not waste my energy on them.

I thought about what made me feel so happy and elated that day, which by the way I’m still feeling, and I believe it’s because I changed my outlook on age. I have found myself in what feels like borderline depression because I’ve yet to complete my bachelor’s degree, was still living in a rented room in what felt like still living at home, being single, losing focus on my weight-loss and fitness goals, and just dreading getting older and feeling like I’ve done nothing with my life. I know I will complete my degree program, I just have to be patient with life. I am on my own now and it feels great! I know things are not the greatest in my “love sphere” but I am managing better than I thought I would. I have regained most, if not all, my focus on my weight-loss and fitness journey because I remembered why I started. And I have to give myself more credit. I self-doubt, self-loath, and underestimate my abilities too often. I have to be proud of who I am, what I know, and what I do- after all, if I don’t, who will? And if someone tells me, I have to validate that with my own opinion of myself.

Too many people undervalue what they are, and overvalue what they’re not

Happy birthday to me! Happy 25th year to me! and Happy everything to me!

Self-Doubt

I meet with my personal trainer three times a week. He’s really a great guy and I enjoy working out to his routines and his pace (sometimes). During one of workouts last week I realized something about myself- I complain. I complain during my workouts and I thought about how annoying I might be. I kept these sentiments to myself and let them go. I met with him again yesterday evening and there I was, complaining, no, whining. I don’t know what I want to call it- I don’t think it was bitching because I was doing what he wanted me to.

Here’s an example: When we kick-box he has these arm pads that I kick. He tells me to do the pyramid. What that is is I kick once, get back to stance, kick twice, back to stance, kick three times, back to stance, kick twice, back to stance, and kick one last time. With a millisecond in between I switch legs and do the same thing. Easy enough? It should be. Well, here’s me: I’m about to the three kicks on one leg and I stop and say hold on- I need to catch my breath. He pushes me to keep going and I do. My last kick is always lame and we both know it. I put my hands on my waist and grunt and he’s telling me to keep going on my other leg. I do, but I keep making a fuss. He gives me about 45 seconds to one minute rest and we’re at it again; I’m at it again. Throughout different exercises I gripe, claiming I’m out of breath, which sometimes I’m not. I’m sure it’s frustrating, I know it’s frustrating.

Reflecting on my actions I want to know why I act this way. Is there something deeper to my whining? Am I really just afraid of something? I don’t know but here’s what I’m thinking. All my life, even now that I am 60lbs lighter and looking better than ever, I’ve been brooding over my body image and not giving myself enough credit for anything I do. Sometimes I look at my naked body in the mirror and I see the change but I don’t feel how I probably should. Maybe I can’t be 100% in something if I’m not feeling 100% myself. Can that be it? What if it’s attention I’m seeking? Is that selfish?All I know is that I need to shut up and keep up. I have another meeting tonight and it’s kick-boxing. GREAT! To my defense I do finish the workouts and I end strong on the last exercise so – what is it?

This needs to be my mantra!

This needs to be my mantra!

photo credit: http://www.pluginid.com/motivational-workout-quotes/

Did I Really Just Try This On?

This past Saturday I went to The Grove in L.A. to line up at the Barnes & Noble to get screening passes to the much anticipated movie The Hunger Games. I went with a friend and we both waited about five hours. After being some of the first people to get the awesome freebees (not so much since we bought the NookTablet) we went window shopping. Since she was with her daughters they took a stroll through PacSun and I followed. What happens next is unprecedented.

I’m looking through the bathing suit section and I see a really cute one. I turn it around and it has no back! it stops at the butt crack, continues to only cover the part where the braw strap hooks. For a better visual here it is:

  

heres the link for a bigger picture: http://shop.pacsun.com/Womens/suits/Kirra-One-Piece-Cutout-Swimsuit/index.pro

I tried it on to say the least and it didn’t feel that awful. I say awful because I’ve always felt super conscious about my body in a bathing suit- so can you imagine in this no-back-ass-out piece? anyway, my friend told me I looked fine and that I shouldn’t worry about the backless part. Prior to that however she wanted me to try on a 2-piece! WHAT?? NEVER! Because I didn’t want her to feel bad and mostly because I’m curious about how I would look in a 2-piece I tried one on. Here it is:

 

in case you’re interested, here is the link: http://shop.pacsun.com/Womens/suits/refine/Brand/Billabong/index.cat

of course my thighs are not that spaced and my upper body isn’t flawless. Needless to say I felt naked. The girls/women that wear 2-piece bathing suit/bikinis are fearless. Although i liked it… I didn’t feel my most confident in it, but my friend recommended wearing those mesh/netty things over and I should be good. I’ll think about it. I have a couple more months before I take off to Miami and I’m dreading the beach scene for this reason.

Emotional Relapse

Monday afternoon I received the official invitation from a high school friend to Miami (specifically South Beach). The trip is to celebrate her turning 25 and another high school friend’s bachelorette party. I’m genuinely excited since my best friend from high school who’s been living in Texas since graduating is going too. As a matter of fact, we’ve all been high school friends and it’ll be a great time to catch up in a way other than Facebook. Total number of girls going: 8

These girls are wonderful and sweet and I appreciate still being a part of their lives in the smallest ways- but I can’t help feeling like a third wheel around them. They have kept in touch with each other more than I have with them (four of them are bridesmaids), first of all. Secondly, I don’t take initiative in setting up outings because I feel like it’s too late to become more with them, and also, I’ve flaked on a couple invitations and they’ve probably had enough of that. However, I am looking forward to the experience but have this feeling that the reality is going to be different than what I want it to be. They have such great “group personalities” that I tend to fade into the background. I can sometimes feel myself burning to the core just imagining how I look to them: awkward, uncomfortable, bored, uninterested in what they’re saying, and maybe even conceited. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to blend in with them. I’ve known who they are for so long, I know how they are, so why can’t I be myself with them? I’ve been told I’m great to be around once people get to know me (do I feel that they don’t know me?) and I do think I’m fun and funny and can be free and young, but what is it with me and being around these girls?

My excitement continued to fade once the fact that we’ll be in South Beach, where girls tend to be thin, fit, confident, in two piece bathing suits, sunk in. I Googled “south beach girls” in hopes to maybe see girls that look like me, but I was just bombarded with asses hanging out of thongs and pretty girls in white bathing suits. Can this really be the majority of people in South Beach? My body image perception is not the greatest. Probably every girl out there has something they wish they could change about their body- even the skinny girls or the fit girls. But, if you’re like me, who’s been called “the chunky one” all through middle and high school, well, there are more than a couple of things you’d wish to change about your body. These girls can’t wait to get into their two-piece and walk down the street with their big glasses and hats.  I’m dreading it.

I was telling all of this to my greatest confidant and she asked if all this was because I don’t get the attention they get. My answer was: I don’t mind hanging out with them as a girl group in general and doing things with them, but when the attention (the type guys provide) does come, it never comes to me. That makes me feel like crap. I am not out there seeking it or do things for that purpose, but it’s inevitable to feel in the dumps when it’s in your face (in this case, NOT in your face). I just told myself that I need to crank up my workouts and work on my midsection. Well, that hasn’t made me feel any better.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. Just thinking about it all stressed me and reminded me where I was a little over a year ago. I was insecure, dreadful, unhappy, and depressed. I feel like that’s where I am again. Even though this is how I see things maybe it’s not what they see. Maybe I’m just thinking too much about it right now and I shouldn’t worry about it until if any of it happens the way I’ve been thinking it has. I’m going to work on my confidence by not second guessing myself and going with my first gut instinct on things. I’m going to keep working toward my goal and make this trip my motivation to work harder.

My Breasts

Losing weight has opened new doors for me. Although I am happy about that, there is still a part of me that feels insecure. I fear that I will never be completely happy in my own skin. I don’t know exactly why but when I think about it I believe this insecurity stems from being unhappy about different parts of my body. I remember one time being with my one of my sisters in our early teens talking about our boobs. She was pointing out how she wore a bigger bra size than me or needed a bigger bra and I was arguing with her that it wasn’t true- that mine were bigger. Needless to say, I’ve always felt uncomfortable being smaller-breasted than my sisters. It’s fairly obvious and sometimes family doesn’t fail to remind me of it, but being who I am I play it off and pretend being okay with it. I’m truly not OK with it that for a long time I contemplated getting some fake ones; I even told my sisters about it. I don’t believe I will since I’m paranoid about needles and any pain associated with voluntary decisions. My friends tell me that I am fine the way I look and that I shouldn’t let that bother me, but it does. I try clothes on and I swear I would look better if I can fill the top part. It’s frustrating not being happy with what I see in the mirror. I think that maybe if I am thinner my small breasts won’t be as prominent and will go better with my smaller body. Here is to hoping.