Ramble On, Monica. Ramble. On.

It would be easy to look over my posts to see when the last one was published, but I’m already writing this one and I don’t want to navigate through to get back to the draft. Main reason for stating the latter: I wanted to start this post with “I can’t remember when I last wrote, but it’s time I get back to it.”

That said, I believe this is my second entry on post hiatus. I lack discipline and it’s something I don’t admit often. I have recently looked deeper into who I am and I see a lot of denial. I see a lot of procrastination, a lot of selfishness, and a lot of want but no action. It makes me sad, it makes me want to not be who I am. I feel as if there are too many versions of myself and I need to choose one. I other people around me who know who they are, that do them with great ease and I envy that. I wish I knew exactly who I want to be.

There is a dichotomy of Monica in my everyday living. It’s a bit exhausting. Just the other day I was telling a really close friend of mine how much I dread being home sometimes because of the constant reminder “to do things” around my apartment. There’s a feeling of i just don’t want to do it because I don’t have the energy. I sit there and I stare at the pile of folded clothes that has been there for almost three weeks and tell myself, literally tell myself out loud, that all I have to do is put it away- take out some hangers and put it away. I tell myself that all I have to do is pick up my shoes and put them in the closet as I stare at the two pairs under my dining table. But I don’t want to do it, I can’t see myself doing it. So what do I do? I just watch TV. This borderline depressed person is just that… one person of me.

It’s not that I want to be the depressed person, but I feel that I can’t wallow in this person because I have other “me”‘s to attend to. I have the gym rat me, I have the sister, daughter, aunt, friend, lover, full-time employee me‘s that I must tend to. Am I having a hard time because I’m using the word must? I don’t know… and I feel that if I’m going to do me, the me I’m fighting off I will ostracize myself and I don’t know if I want that- no. I know I don’t want that.

So how do I deal? I once went to see a psychologist and she recommended medication. Needless to say I never went back. There are a lot of things  I must come to terms with myself and accept fully. What are those things? I’m not sure. I’m still afraid to even put that thought into a coherent concept/truth and even more afraid to say it out loud. Sometimes I want to go away somewhere and start all over. But start what all over? The different versions of me? No. I’m just not sure of anything. I need clarity. I want to disconnect. Disconnect to re-discover  or just discover myself for the first time. But I’m afraid to disconnect. Maybe my thing is that I have too many fears, or worry too much?

Does anyone else have this type of struggle with themselves?

Advertisements

Plank A Day July 2nd

Here I go. I found the PlankADay post and thought I’d do it for 1 month (July and a day since I’m starting on the 2nd).  I figure that I will do it when I remember but will always have a reminder on my phone in case I haven’t done it.

Plank A Day- day one: 01:00

^ I did it in my office 🙂

 

In addition I will not be drinking any carbonated drinks or juice cocktails or anything sweet and sugar filled. The only juices I will drink will be those I make myself- orange juice is awesome (a new found love for it). Some of my favorite fresh fruit juices are watermelon, cantaloupe, strawberry, lemon, and lemon and pineapple. Now, to make them myself is another story- I have to get to peeling and squeezing.

The reason  is because I have totally neglected my water intake; I am feeling it. I stopped drinking soda for a little over a year and it was a great feeling. Then one day I said, I’ll just have a sip and another day I said I’ll have a cup… and there I was drinking and drinking soda. I didn’t feel guilty for it or questioned drinking it, but I noticed how I started preferring it. My body feels the difference and it’s dehydrated. To treat my self and my body I will pay more attention to it.

And before I forget, I have had the 100 push ups app on my phone for quite a while and reading Anna’s blog posts reminded me I should use it, so I’m doing that too. Just thinking about it i feel a little pain- the good kind.

100 Push Ups- day one:

 

Something New

I am about to embark on a new experience and it’s scaring the wits out of me. Today I am to pick up the keys to my first apartment in which I will be living in alone. One of my greatest fears in life is ending up alone, with no one to talk to, no one to fall asleep with, and just miserable. When I have too much time in my hands and these thoughts cloud my mind I retract and want to disappear. I realize then, as I am now, that this is where I fall off my tracks and wean on some weight. This weight gain leads to feelings of futility and self-loathing that I become a weight-loss martyr. My thoughts become so negative that I refute anyone who tries to tell me different and the only thing that seems to bring me back to my senses is reading about fitness, weight-loss, people’s before and after stories, other weight-loss/health journys, and some who have stood to defy the societal pressures of thinness and be happy about being fat.

I’ve envisaged my lack of crediting myself on how far I’ve come, but the fact that I want more and know that my body can do more prohibits me from accepting my hard work thus far. So, when I read blogs, articles, or watch videos on the subjects I mentioned above I get reinvigorated. I begin to believe in myself again and set myself a new goal. I mentally plan out a routine and include activities in which I believe will make me more of an athlete rather than just a workout bot. I envision myself doing laps in the gym pool, or riding miles and miles on my bike, or getting back on the running train, or having a strict boxing regimen. I see myself following workout routines but only as preparation for the run, the swim, the cycling- but something holds me. I don’t know what it is. I set a date: “I’ll start this coming Monday.” But then I ask myself why Monday? Why not today? I DON’T KNOW WHY NOT TODAY!!! And just like that I’m back at square one. I lose motivation, I lack willingness and I end up feeling like a loser.

If you are a friend that reads my blog you have entered a dark side of my being. Sometimes I have questioned my judgement in sharing this blog with you because the purpose of it was to be positive and share the good and the joy of my journey. However, in previous posts I’ve already shared my honesty in how doubtful I am of myself and how self-conscious I am about my body, so maybe this one comes as no surprise. In thinking about it, it’s not a bad thing. I guess it’s good to show how human I am, how some part of me is like everyone else- I struggle. I am not perfect. I mean c’mon, just last week I wrote about coming back with a bang. In retrospect, I think I needed to get a lot of frustration out that I was internalizing and a lot of stress about my move and financial difficulties and that’s why I did so great.

Today I have a meeting with my trainer. I don’t know how it’s gonna go. I don’t want to be whinny and I have to keep telling myself that I can do this. I can start my new attitude on any day of the week- Tuesday it is.

What Do You Wear To The Gym?

It was brought to my attention that the clothes I wear to work does not give credit to my new body. I took that statement/observation as a compliment, but it left me thinking about the clothes I wear in general, especially to the gym.

Gym clothes came to mind first since that’s where I’ve been spending a lot of my time lately. I tend to wear old t-shirts, ones that I’ve had forever, because they’re lose and comfortable. I’ve worn sweats before and I’m not too fond of them because I can feel the sweat drip down my legs; so, I opt for tight cotton yoga pants or tight spandex running pants.

Image

Here are some pictures of me after the gym with my great looking t-shirts.

Image

Image

Image

The reason this is even a concern to me is because I see other girls at the gym with “style”. They wear the cute tight fitted tank-tops, tight shorts, cut-off t-shirts with a muscle shirt under, etc. Bottom line, they are showing their skin and exposing legs and arms. In retrospect, I believe it all stems from my self-consciousness. I’ve never really liked my arms, even now that you can tell I’ve worked on them. I’ve worn shorts before but didn’t feel confident, so never again. The thing is that I see other “big” girls and they’re working out with tight clothes and exposing arms and everything else for that matter. What do you wear to the gym? Should being comfortable be all that matters or should I be comfortable with a little spunk?

Here are my shoes of choice! ❤

Image