Emotional Relapse

Monday afternoon I received the official invitation from a high school friend to Miami (specifically South Beach). The trip is to celebrate her turning 25 and another high school friend’s bachelorette party. I’m genuinely excited since my best friend from high school who’s been living in Texas since graduating is going too. As a matter of fact, we’ve all been high school friends and it’ll be a great time to catch up in a way other than Facebook. Total number of girls going: 8

These girls are wonderful and sweet and I appreciate still being a part of their lives in the smallest ways- but I can’t help feeling like a third wheel around them. They have kept in touch with each other more than I have with them (four of them are bridesmaids), first of all. Secondly, I don’t take initiative in setting up outings because I feel like it’s too late to become more with them, and also, I’ve flaked on a couple invitations and they’ve probably had enough of that. However, I am looking forward to the experience but have this feeling that the reality is going to be different than what I want it to be. They have such great “group personalities” that I tend to fade into the background. I can sometimes feel myself burning to the core just imagining how I look to them: awkward, uncomfortable, bored, uninterested in what they’re saying, and maybe even conceited. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to blend in with them. I’ve known who they are for so long, I know how they are, so why can’t I be myself with them? I’ve been told I’m great to be around once people get to know me (do I feel that they don’t know me?) and I do think I’m fun and funny and can be free and young, but what is it with me and being around these girls?

My excitement continued to fade once the fact that we’ll be in South Beach, where girls tend to be thin, fit, confident, in two piece bathing suits, sunk in. I Googled “south beach girls” in hopes to maybe see girls that look like me, but I was just bombarded with asses hanging out of thongs and pretty girls in white bathing suits. Can this really be the majority of people in South Beach? My body image perception is not the greatest. Probably every girl out there has something they wish they could change about their body- even the skinny girls or the fit girls. But, if you’re like me, who’s been called “the chunky one” all through middle and high school, well, there are more than a couple of things you’d wish to change about your body. These girls can’t wait to get into their two-piece and walk down the street with their big glasses and hats.  I’m dreading it.

I was telling all of this to my greatest confidant and she asked if all this was because I don’t get the attention they get. My answer was: I don’t mind hanging out with them as a girl group in general and doing things with them, but when the attention (the type guys provide) does come, it never comes to me. That makes me feel like crap. I am not out there seeking it or do things for that purpose, but it’s inevitable to feel in the dumps when it’s in your face (in this case, NOT in your face). I just told myself that I need to crank up my workouts and work on my midsection. Well, that hasn’t made me feel any better.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. Just thinking about it all stressed me and reminded me where I was a little over a year ago. I was insecure, dreadful, unhappy, and depressed. I feel like that’s where I am again. Even though this is how I see things maybe it’s not what they see. Maybe I’m just thinking too much about it right now and I shouldn’t worry about it until if any of it happens the way I’ve been thinking it has. I’m going to work on my confidence by not second guessing myself and going with my first gut instinct on things. I’m going to keep working toward my goal and make this trip my motivation to work harder.

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Filled With A Half-Ass New Year’s Resolution

I have been a gym member for four years but didn’t start taking advantage of it until the last year and a half. A commercial came on offering a Thanksgiving deal and I went online and scheduled my appointment for the next day- one of the best decisions I’ve made.

That being said, I understand the new volume of people flooding the gym floors. I see people and I see me in them: overweight, lost, scared, awkward, and in disbelief that they are now here because they are unhappy about x thing. I felt lost because I was in an unfamiliar place and I didn’t know where to go and what machines to use first. I was scared because I didn’t know anyone and didn’t know if I should. We are so individualistic and wrapped  up in our world with music in our ears that we don’t pay attention to anyone else. I should change that about myself since I know the feeling. Would you be bothered by a simple hello or someone who started a simple, quick conversation? I wouldn’t. I look at it this way- I meet you, we exchange a few words and next time we see each other I don’t expect to have a conversation with you, but I’m seeing a familiar face and the gym experience changes (for the better if you ask me). I understand that people go to the gym to workout and are determined, as am I, but sometimes I wish I knew someone there or had someone that I can say hi to since I’m there so often.

Speaking of determination and people at the gym with new year’s resolutions… I saw something yesterday that has been bothering me. I’ve seen it before but this time I said it outloud and now I’m writing about it. I had done 33 min on the eliptical and 23 on the stairmaster and finished my sets of 10 reps of 10 pushups and 8 reps of 25 crunches (work it!) and decided to stretch out since all the treadmills were in use and I didn’t feel like waiting. As I was stretching I saw this girl approach the stairmaster. My thoughts: atta girl! As I alternated from Down Dog to Chaturanga to Upward Facing Dog twice I look and she’s gone. I don’t think she really tried and it bugged me. I’ve been thinking about why and I think that it might be because I know people can do it but ONLY if they try. I’ve been that girl in the mirror looking at herself and saying how fat she looks and IF ONLY she would lose weight everything would be so much better. But I only complained and that got me nowhere. Then I went to the gym, but I wasn’t doing anything there either. Just saying I went to the gym is not enough. Then I would go and feel great and eat and eat! Not a good balance. I think I am that point that when I see a big girl (or guy) I know they can do it. Maybe they are not at the point where they’ve hit their rock-bottom but it bugs me when they are not even half-way trying.

It’s not my problem what people do or don’t do at the gym, but I wish I could do something about it. I really like telling people my stories about my successes and the feelings they bring. Every change creates a new layer in a person and I want to share that. I want to motivate people but I get disappointed when they don’t have it in them.

Thoughts?