Did I Really Just Try This On?

This past Saturday I went to The Grove in L.A. to line up at the Barnes & Noble to get screening passes to the much anticipated movie The Hunger Games. I went with a friend and we both waited about five hours. After being some of the first people to get the awesome freebees (not so much since we bought the NookTablet) we went window shopping. Since she was with her daughters they took a stroll through PacSun and I followed. What happens next is unprecedented.

I’m looking through the bathing suit section and I see a really cute one. I turn it around and it has no back! it stops at the butt crack, continues to only cover the part where the braw strap hooks. For a better visual here it is:

  

heres the link for a bigger picture: http://shop.pacsun.com/Womens/suits/Kirra-One-Piece-Cutout-Swimsuit/index.pro

I tried it on to say the least and it didn’t feel that awful. I say awful because I’ve always felt super conscious about my body in a bathing suit- so can you imagine in this no-back-ass-out piece? anyway, my friend told me I looked fine and that I shouldn’t worry about the backless part. Prior to that however she wanted me to try on a 2-piece! WHAT?? NEVER! Because I didn’t want her to feel bad and mostly because I’m curious about how I would look in a 2-piece I tried one on. Here it is:

 

in case you’re interested, here is the link: http://shop.pacsun.com/Womens/suits/refine/Brand/Billabong/index.cat

of course my thighs are not that spaced and my upper body isn’t flawless. Needless to say I felt naked. The girls/women that wear 2-piece bathing suit/bikinis are fearless. Although i liked it… I didn’t feel my most confident in it, but my friend recommended wearing those mesh/netty things over and I should be good. I’ll think about it. I have a couple more months before I take off to Miami and I’m dreading the beach scene for this reason.

Closer to my goal

About four days ago I weighed myself. The only difference this time from the previous weigh-ins was the number on the scale– it was 179! Could it be? Did I really just break away from the 180s? I stepped off the scale and on again; it was the same number!! I wish now that I’d taken a picture because the next time it happens it won’t have the same feeling. Two days later I stepped on the scale again– 178!! This morning- 2 days from the last weigh-in i was back up one pound. But no worries because I’m sure now that my weight is flunctuating between the 170 s and not the 180s. I hope I’m not getting too ahead of myself but I know I’ll stay constant.

What happened to me?

I met with my trainer last earlier this week and I had an episode of weakness. I have no clue what brought it on; maybe it was the perfectionist in me or the person inside of me that never wants to fail or look weak. Regardless of the reason I’m glad it happened.

Here is what happened. When I arrived he let me know that we weren’t boxing but doing something different. Ok, no problem. Toward the end I was feeling exhausted and getting frustrated for not keeping up. He obviously noticed and asked what was wrong. With a knot in my throat I told him that I can be and do better than I am now.

I hope I’m not putting too much pressure on myself. He assured me I was one of his few clients that he can really count on doing great throughout his workouts and that he wishes more of his people were as tough as me. Those words made me happy. And as I wiped the tears with my shirt sleeve I told him he better not be lying to me.

Does everyone go through a moment of total vulnerability sometimes?

My New Addiction – Boxing

I’ve been gone for a while, but I’m back!

The day my friends and I made Miami official I told my trainer. He asked me what that meant for him and I said that it meant he has to push me hard so that I can reach my goal sooner. I believe my words were music to his ears. The next meeting he brought out gloves and pads- he meant business. We’re going hard on some crazy martial arts and kickboxing techniques; it’s so much fun. I love it so much I even went out and bought myself the gel inserts, gloves and a 100lb bag. I can’t wait to hang it!

These are 12 oz which my trainer says will help me really knock someone out. I was reminded that although this is what he and I are working on I still need to be working on my cardio and weight training. >.<

 

 

 

 

These gel inserts work miracles. I first trained without them and I bruised my knuckles. OUCH! but once I used them, I felt so much better and I can go so much harder!

Boxing is such a great stress reliever. I’m looking forward to purchasing the Bas Rutten workout CDs once I hang my bag!

Classes at the Gym? Do ‘Em

I think the best way to get my money’s worth at the gym is to take the classes that it offers. I’ve been going to the gym 5 to 6 days a week and the cardio machines get a little boring. The weight machines only target one muscle at a time, so I only do those once or twice a week. I haven’t mustered up the courage to workout in the free weight area of the gym if it’s not with my trainer. The reason? The guys that workout in that area intimidate me and I honestly don’t want to waste time time feeling judged.

The gym I go to offers so many classes and they’re all free! (the previous gym I went to charged for some). I did the cycling class once, but I didn’t like the instructor so I’m waiting for another instructor to lead that class. I’ve taken the Zumba class a couple of times and both instructors were awesome! I took the Mat Pilates class for the first time yesterday and tonight I’m planning on doing Yoga. Another great class offered at my gym is the Total Body Works + Abs; I used the 7Lbs and 10Lbs weights.

SIDE NOTES:

• One of the best Yoga videos I’ve done is the P90X.
• I have trouble keeping up with the tempo when using weights. Do you?
• working out in a group makes me step up my game. Have you done any group classes?

Emotional Relapse

Monday afternoon I received the official invitation from a high school friend to Miami (specifically South Beach). The trip is to celebrate her turning 25 and another high school friend’s bachelorette party. I’m genuinely excited since my best friend from high school who’s been living in Texas since graduating is going too. As a matter of fact, we’ve all been high school friends and it’ll be a great time to catch up in a way other than Facebook. Total number of girls going: 8

These girls are wonderful and sweet and I appreciate still being a part of their lives in the smallest ways- but I can’t help feeling like a third wheel around them. They have kept in touch with each other more than I have with them (four of them are bridesmaids), first of all. Secondly, I don’t take initiative in setting up outings because I feel like it’s too late to become more with them, and also, I’ve flaked on a couple invitations and they’ve probably had enough of that. However, I am looking forward to the experience but have this feeling that the reality is going to be different than what I want it to be. They have such great “group personalities” that I tend to fade into the background. I can sometimes feel myself burning to the core just imagining how I look to them: awkward, uncomfortable, bored, uninterested in what they’re saying, and maybe even conceited. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to blend in with them. I’ve known who they are for so long, I know how they are, so why can’t I be myself with them? I’ve been told I’m great to be around once people get to know me (do I feel that they don’t know me?) and I do think I’m fun and funny and can be free and young, but what is it with me and being around these girls?

My excitement continued to fade once the fact that we’ll be in South Beach, where girls tend to be thin, fit, confident, in two piece bathing suits, sunk in. I Googled “south beach girls” in hopes to maybe see girls that look like me, but I was just bombarded with asses hanging out of thongs and pretty girls in white bathing suits. Can this really be the majority of people in South Beach? My body image perception is not the greatest. Probably every girl out there has something they wish they could change about their body- even the skinny girls or the fit girls. But, if you’re like me, who’s been called “the chunky one” all through middle and high school, well, there are more than a couple of things you’d wish to change about your body. These girls can’t wait to get into their two-piece and walk down the street with their big glasses and hats.  I’m dreading it.

I was telling all of this to my greatest confidant and she asked if all this was because I don’t get the attention they get. My answer was: I don’t mind hanging out with them as a girl group in general and doing things with them, but when the attention (the type guys provide) does come, it never comes to me. That makes me feel like crap. I am not out there seeking it or do things for that purpose, but it’s inevitable to feel in the dumps when it’s in your face (in this case, NOT in your face). I just told myself that I need to crank up my workouts and work on my midsection. Well, that hasn’t made me feel any better.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. Just thinking about it all stressed me and reminded me where I was a little over a year ago. I was insecure, dreadful, unhappy, and depressed. I feel like that’s where I am again. Even though this is how I see things maybe it’s not what they see. Maybe I’m just thinking too much about it right now and I shouldn’t worry about it until if any of it happens the way I’ve been thinking it has. I’m going to work on my confidence by not second guessing myself and going with my first gut instinct on things. I’m going to keep working toward my goal and make this trip my motivation to work harder.

What Do You Wear To The Gym?

It was brought to my attention that the clothes I wear to work does not give credit to my new body. I took that statement/observation as a compliment, but it left me thinking about the clothes I wear in general, especially to the gym.

Gym clothes came to mind first since that’s where I’ve been spending a lot of my time lately. I tend to wear old t-shirts, ones that I’ve had forever, because they’re lose and comfortable. I’ve worn sweats before and I’m not too fond of them because I can feel the sweat drip down my legs; so, I opt for tight cotton yoga pants or tight spandex running pants.

Here are some pictures of me after the gym with my great looking t-shirts.

The reason this is even a concern to me is because I see other girls at the gym with “style”. They wear the cute tight fitted tank-tops, tight shorts, cut-off t-shirts with a muscle shirt under, etc. Bottom line, they are showing their skin and exposing legs and arms. In retrospect, I believe it all stems from my self-consciousness. I’ve never really liked my arms, even now that you can tell I’ve worked on them. I’ve worn shorts before but didn’t feel confident, so never again. The thing is that I see other “big” girls and they’re working out with tight clothes and exposing arms and everything else for that matter. What do you wear to the gym? Should being comfortable be all that matters or should I be comfortable with a little spunk?

Here are my shoes of choice! ❤

What’s For Lunch?

When I first started changing the way I eat I went cold turkey on a lot of things. Here are some of the things I left that I regularly ate without looking back- mayonnaise, cheese, white bread, whole milk (preferably no cow milk), soda, fast food, almost all chips, butter, corn oil, red meat (temporarily), salt where I can control it, chocolate (super hard), most sweets, and flour tortillas. I also avoided adding sugar to my teas. If I wanted to drink lemonade at a restaurant I’d order it but also ask for a glass of water and I’d mix it. Cutting back on pork wasn’t that bad. As hard as it was in the beginning it became that much easier in the future. I didn’t think I could leave the mayonnaise since I love it so much. FLASHBACK: growing up I spent a lot time at my grandmother’s house. some of the “snacks” were flour tortillas spread with a generous amount of mayonnaise.

I replaced milk with almond milk; I used mustard to add that little kick to my whole-wheat or grain sandwiches; I began eating a lot of turkey and more white chicken; and for cooking I used olive oil and occasionally extra virgin olive oil. I kicked up the intake of green vegetables (vegetables in general) and of my fruit. I began adding spinach to my sandwiches and salads, tried a variety of dressings other than Ranch and Thousand Island (<<< my favorite). I love mushrooms so adding more of that was no problem. I also started eating nuts and berries. Adding those to my oatmeal makes it that much more tasty. I opted for steamed rice wherever I could or brown rice. For snacks I did (do) baby carrots or celery with low-fat peanut or fat-free ranch dressing, apples, chopped tomato with a sprinkle of salt, cucumbers with lemon, watermelon, and cantaloupe amongst other fruits and veggies. I did a lot of Lean Cuisines for lunch and sandwiches which got  boring after a while, but they did the trick.

I’ll tell you, though, eating healthy costs money. The payout is worth it, however. I’ve made these “changes” a part of my life now but they are not concrete as when I first began. I read somewhere that the point is not abstinence, but moderation. Cheese is not bad, butter is not bad, neither are oils, but when someone over does it, it can get ugly- FAT UGLY! So with moderation and alternatives, just like me, you can reach your goals. Here is what I had for lunch the other day. Yummy!

Turkey Breast Wrap

 I started to have some soda around October of last year and now I’ve stopped this year again. My older sister hasn’t had soda in over 5 years! insane… *moderation* moderation. 🙂

What have you done differently to change your eating habits?

Filled With A Half-Ass New Year’s Resolution

I have been a gym member for four years but didn’t start taking advantage of it until the last year and a half. A commercial came on offering a Thanksgiving deal and I went online and scheduled my appointment for the next day- one of the best decisions I’ve made.

That being said, I understand the new volume of people flooding the gym floors. I see people and I see me in them: overweight, lost, scared, awkward, and in disbelief that they are now here because they are unhappy about x thing. I felt lost because I was in an unfamiliar place and I didn’t know where to go and what machines to use first. I was scared because I didn’t know anyone and didn’t know if I should. We are so individualistic and wrapped  up in our world with music in our ears that we don’t pay attention to anyone else. I should change that about myself since I know the feeling. Would you be bothered by a simple hello or someone who started a simple, quick conversation? I wouldn’t. I look at it this way- I meet you, we exchange a few words and next time we see each other I don’t expect to have a conversation with you, but I’m seeing a familiar face and the gym experience changes (for the better if you ask me). I understand that people go to the gym to workout and are determined, as am I, but sometimes I wish I knew someone there or had someone that I can say hi to since I’m there so often.

Speaking of determination and people at the gym with new year’s resolutions… I saw something yesterday that has been bothering me. I’ve seen it before but this time I said it outloud and now I’m writing about it. I had done 33 min on the eliptical and 23 on the stairmaster and finished my sets of 10 reps of 10 pushups and 8 reps of 25 crunches (work it!) and decided to stretch out since all the treadmills were in use and I didn’t feel like waiting. As I was stretching I saw this girl approach the stairmaster. My thoughts: atta girl! As I alternated from Down Dog to Chaturanga to Upward Facing Dog twice I look and she’s gone. I don’t think she really tried and it bugged me. I’ve been thinking about why and I think that it might be because I know people can do it but ONLY if they try. I’ve been that girl in the mirror looking at herself and saying how fat she looks and IF ONLY she would lose weight everything would be so much better. But I only complained and that got me nowhere. Then I went to the gym, but I wasn’t doing anything there either. Just saying I went to the gym is not enough. Then I would go and feel great and eat and eat! Not a good balance. I think I am that point that when I see a big girl (or guy) I know they can do it. Maybe they are not at the point where they’ve hit their rock-bottom but it bugs me when they are not even half-way trying.

It’s not my problem what people do or don’t do at the gym, but I wish I could do something about it. I really like telling people my stories about my successes and the feelings they bring. Every change creates a new layer in a person and I want to share that. I want to motivate people but I get disappointed when they don’t have it in them.

Thoughts?

When I Get Ready To Go Out

This is the type of woman I am when it comes to getting ready: last minute; wet hair; no makeup 99% of the time; frustrated.

I always decide last minute that I want to “do” my hair and put on some makeup. But, by the time I decide exactly what I’m going to wear, what hairstyle I want, and what makeup to use I only have 10 minutes to get to where I have to go. So my usual hair is pulled back in a ponytail or bun with the occasional faux hawk poof thing in the front. I want to change that and I have made some progress.

I am a huge fan of YouTube and it’s my go-to for almost everything. Someone, somewhere has already done what I want to do or learn and they are happy to share. I’ve learned quick makeup tips, easy wet-hair dos and approximate times for certain hairstyles.

Earlier today I came across a video of a girl defending herself against people (mostly girls) who ask her why she wears so much makeup. Blah blah blah, she went on and said that those people are people who don’t even wear makeup or have any experience with it. I came to the conclusion that she, like I’ve done a couple of times lately, wore makeup one day, looked stunning and gorgeous, and got so many nice compliments and loved them so much that she ended up valuing herself based on her appearance (I haven’t done that … Well makeup wise). Now, some people don’t even know what she really looks like- sad if you ask me.

I don’t want to be someone like her, or the many other girls who wear makeup every day or “too much”. Those girls seem to claim that they are not doing it for anyone but themselves. I think they seek perfection, flawlessness, and approval. I watched another girl on the same topic and she said it’s an art, and that it’s fun and colorful like girls should be (I’ll leave this thought simmer a bit longer). Regardless of how nice, pretty, and sexy I feel when I follow makeup tutorials to the “T” I also want to feel natural- even if it means that my olive skin is glowing in all its glory. I don’t want to make makeup my routine, but I will take all the knowledge I can get.

I don’t want to offend anyone who does do makeup everyday as one of my sisters does (one of the others always has mascara and eyeliner and the other is a blank canvas). How do you feel about makeup?

^thats me all natural and whatnot.

^thats me with makeup and some lashes :). You can still tell its me, right?